"Bradley, is that a toaster you've got there?" Lizard Man asked in a surreptitious manner.
"N-no, Mr. Lizard Man, I swear!" the young boy answered.
"It's all right, don't worry," Lizard Man responded with a smile. "Even though other certain members of the faculty may not understand the need to have warm toasted delights in the morning, I'm on your side. Just don't let anyone else see you with it."
"Boy golly, gee whiz!" Bradley exclaimed. "You're the awesomest teacher ever! See you in class tomorrow, Mr. Lizard Man!" And at this, the boy skipped away, happy as could be. Lizard Man just smiled; it was moments like these that reminded him of why he had decided to become a teacher in this post-Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate world. He then walked on, remembering his appointment that he had to keep.
Lizard Man got in his car, started the engine and made his way to the retirement home where he was to pickup grandpa Dustin; the silly old man didn't have much time left in this world now, but he had one last request that Lizard Man had promised he would help him fulfill. Aside from that, he himself hadn't been to the destination they were to be headed towards in a couple years, a secret he guiltily kept to himself. As he drove on, he turned on the radio, tired of the silence surrounding him. The song that came on was Kiss From a Rose by Seal, one of Lizard Man's personal favorites. It also reminded him painfully of Quincy O'Snappers, and he briefly wondered whether him and Stacy had ever found the happiness they so rightly deserved. He did not have long to dwell on these thoughts, however, as he pulled into the parking lot of the retirement home and saw that grandpa Dustin was already waiting for him on a bench. Lizard Man got out and helped the old man into the car, got back in and drove off to their next destination.
The two drove on in silence for a few minutes, until grandpa Dustin gave an unwarrented "Touché!" Lizard Man debated internally whether he should respond or not, but decided that getting him riled up would probably not be the smartest choice of action, especially in a moving vehicle. Finally, after a few more pained moments of silence between the two, they arrived at their destination: Grumbles Memorial Cemetary.
"By boogy this place is neato supremo!" grandpa Dustin said with glee. He opened his door and rushed out of the car with surprising vitality for a man his age. Lizard Man hurried after him, afraid that Dustin's senility would cause him to get lost in this beautiful graveyard, much like a small child might get stuck in the big plastic tubes at Chuck E. Cheese. Sure, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with such a thing, as getting lost and finding one's way out is a trait that most children would do well to obtain. But then if the kid got lost in the never ending maze of plastic tubes and chutes that smelled of a combination of feet and feet-smelling pizza for over half an hour, the parents would have to get an employee to come and rescue their child, or (even worse), get the help of an older rapscallion to go spelunking in search of their lost child, like a miniaturized version of a collapsed mineshaft.
Lizard Man and grandpa Dustin eventually made their way to the center of the graveyard, where a large statue stood in memoriam of their fallen comrade Grumbles the bear. The two stood there for a moment of silence, both wondering what life would have been like if things had gone just a tad bit differently than the way they did. At length, Dustin took his wallet out and took a card out. Not just any card, however; it was Grumbles' first Pokemon card - his holographic Snorlax. Marveling at its beauty for only a moment, Dustin placed it upon the statue. Lizard Man followed suite, taking a card out of his own wallet. This card, however, was a Charizard.
"I know how much this meant to you, Grumbles," Lizard Man said to the statue. "It took me a while to hunt down, but here it is; I hope you know just how much we all cared about you, you crazy talking bear." Lizard Man then placed the Charizard on the statue next to Snorlax, emitting a loud sniffle as he did so. Grandpa Dustin grasped his shoulder and squeezed, and Lizard Man put his own arm around Dustin's shoulder, and the two made their way back to the car.
"Hey, wanna go to Wal-Mart?" grandpa Dustin asked, his old goofy grin re-awakening on his face.
"As long as you don't try to steal more Jell-O Pudding Snacks this time," Lizard Man said sternly.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaa," was all grandpa Dustin could respond, for his smile was too big to allow for any kind of actual words to be formed. As the two got back in Lizard Man's car, the wind seemed to blow the branches of the surrounding trees, giving the impression that they were being waved goodbye to. The Snorlax and Charizard cards, however, stayed firmly in place.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Chapter 14 and 1/2: This Ain't a Surfing Movie
Quincy O'Snappers opened his eyes and found himself lying down on a perfectly warm and comfortable beach, the sand silvered by a low hanging moon. He looked out and saw a never-ending ocean stretching out the entire length of the horizon. Quincy then slowly turned his head to the right and, with a jolt, saw Stacy smiling at him; Quincy couldn't help but return the smile doublefold. The two looked at each other for a few more moments, and then turned their attention back towards the endless ocean that lay in front of them. In his mind, Quincy O'Snappers noted how that through most of his life, silence had been an awkward and horrible thing, something to be avoided at all costs. And yet, here on this moonlit beach, alone with the woman he loved more than anything, he found that he loved and reveled in this stillness; there simply seemed to be nothing more that needed to be said between the two.
How much time passed in this wonderful tranquility, Quincy neither knew nor cared. Eventually, however, the moon had traded places with the sun, replacing the silver glow of the landscape with a golden one. At length, Quincy broke the silence.
"You know, this is all I ever really wanted. Just you and me and a shoreline." Stacy just kept smiling for a little while longer until she responded.
"We're gonna be here for a while. I hope the weather holds." Quincy didn't need any time to think up his brilliant, horribly cliché romantic response.
"It doesn't matter. You don't need the sun to make you shine." Stacy grabbed the hand of Quincy O'Snappers, and they both once again turned their attention to the ever-changing sea before them, both completely happy for the first time.
How much time passed in this wonderful tranquility, Quincy neither knew nor cared. Eventually, however, the moon had traded places with the sun, replacing the silver glow of the landscape with a golden one. At length, Quincy broke the silence.
"You know, this is all I ever really wanted. Just you and me and a shoreline." Stacy just kept smiling for a little while longer until she responded.
"We're gonna be here for a while. I hope the weather holds." Quincy didn't need any time to think up his brilliant, horribly cliché romantic response.
"It doesn't matter. You don't need the sun to make you shine." Stacy grabbed the hand of Quincy O'Snappers, and they both once again turned their attention to the ever-changing sea before them, both completely happy for the first time.
Chapter 14: The Lament of Quincy O'Snappers
"What is this?" Mahogany asked the world at large with terror in her voice. Stacy opened her eyes to see that she was back standing in the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's control room. She looked at Quincy, who was staring at her, apparently awestruck. It was then that Stacy looked down at her hands and saw that they were glowing the same golden aura that the pony in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness had been. Looking behind her, Stacy saw that some kind of magical golden portal leading to what she instinctively knew to be the aforementioned Realm was open, waiting to be fed a dose of Mahogany. Knowing what she had to do was both a wonderful and terrible thing, but her resolve had been set from the get-go, and now it was time.
"Mahogany, you've caused so much pain," Stacy said simply. "I mean, marrying Charles Goomy just to spite your dad is one thing, but then you killed your brother and nephew and had them turned into cyborgs? I mean, aside from being just plain evil, that doesn't even make any sense. I mean really, that's just crazy. Whoever could have thought that one up? You're a sick, sick weirdo, that's what you are. You're the type of person that draws on their dog's face with permanent marker. I'm not just talking about making just eyebrows either, I mean the whole kit 'n kaboodle - the moustache and beard, maybe even a goatee, and all that on top of the dog clothes and accessories you make them wear. What the heck is wrong with you, making your dog look like a man on a New York subway?"
"You dare criticize me!?" Mahogany screamed with indignation, a little bit of spittle dribbling out of her mouth. "I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE OVARIES, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO." And at this, Mahogany charged at Stacy.
"Please, Mahogany," Stacy pleaded, not moving an inch. "Try some remorse just this once..."
"You'll be remorseful when your baby maker gets a taste of my fists; they come in 39 different flavors, and you're about to get a free sample!" Stacy still did not move, letting Mahogany come right at her. Quincy O'Snappers was preparing to step in, when out of nowhere, a golden boxing glove collided right with Mahogany's face, knocking her straight off her feet. Both Quincy and Stacy looked to see who it was, only to see the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn adorned in boxing gloves and trunks, standing upright like a human.
"Stacy, it's time," the pony said. "I'll take this trash out myself. You can say goodbye to your friends, but try and hurry, I can't keep the portal opened too long." And at this, the pony grabbed Mahogany by the scruff of her neck and waited for Stacy to say her final farewells.
"Stace, what does he mean by that?" Quincy asked hesitantly.
"Quincy, I'm so sorry, but I have to go," Stacy responded. She couldn't bear to look into Quincy's eyes, and quickly walked over to Lizard Man, who had regained consciousness and was leaning haphazardly against a wall.
"Lizard Man, thank you for everything," Stacy said as she embraced her friend. "You saved my life twice in the past two days, and without you we'd have never dismantled the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"No Stacy, thank you. Without you, I never would have had the motivation to leave my sheltered forest life for good." Lizard Man gave Stacy a supportive shoulder grasp, the ultimate sign of brohood, even between woman and beast-man. Stacy then walked over to the portal, still refusing to meet Quincy's eyes.
"Stace..." Quincy O'Snappers said quietly. Stacy stopped dead in her tracks. "I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm sorry that I never said it until now. But after all this craziness with Lizard Man and the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and your insane grandpa and volcano lairs and a freakin' talking bear that collects Pokemon cards...Stacy, you can't leave now." Stacy looked sadly at her beloved best friend.
"Quincy, I have to go. And I'm sorry I never told you that I love you even more than Reese's Peanut Buttercups, more than Skittles, more than S'mores Pop-Tarts, heck, even more than Sour Patch Watermelons. But it's out there now: you're my favorite person in the world, and I love you. And that'll never change, even when you're here and I'm in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness." At this, Quincy O'Snappers started to let the tears flow.
"Stacy, we must go," the Golden Pony said, still holding on to Mahogany, who was now regaining consciousness. "I can't keep the portal open much longer." Stacy nodded, and then gave Quincy a sad little smile.
"Well Quince, after all this, it looks like we're finally parting ways. Good-bye!" Stacy turned towards the magical portal, hiding her tears, and walked in with the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and Mahogany in tow. Upon their entrance, the portal closed immediately, leaving Quincy O'Snappers and Lizard Man alone.
Lizard Man slowly hobbled his way over to Quincy O'Snappers in an effort to comfort him. Despite his wounds, Lizard Man was still able to walk the distance, albeit a wobbly walk. Indeed, the best way to describe Lizard Man at this moment would be to compare him to a Weeble Wobble. The catchphrase of "Weeble's Wobble but they don't fall down" was infinitely applicable to Lizard Man in these moments, and if it weren't for the sad situation at hand, Quincy O'Snappers would have most assuredly noted this. Alas, at this moment Quincy O'Snappers was numb to everything in the world, his heart a giant tundra of broken ice that was sustaining even more damage every moment because whales were trying to eat the penguins that had taken refuge on the miniature icy summits.
"Quincy, I know what you're feeling right now, and I know it hurts. But there's nothing you can do. She's gone now. She accepted her fate like a true hero."
"What does being a hero matter if you're stuck by yourself for the rest of eternity, though?" Quincy asked sadly. "And it's not like she ever wanted to be a hero, she just wanted the world to be a better place. It's not fair that she won't be able to see the fruits of her labor."
"I know it's not fair," Lizard Man said emphatically. "But sometimes you must have the serenity to accept that which you cannot change, and Stacy's never coming back, no matter how much you or I want her to."
"You're right," Quincy said, closing his eyes in the process. "She can't ever come back. But I can go to her. I'm not ready for her to be gone from my life - I love her with everything I have." After Quincy spoke these words, a faint golden light seemed to be emanate from within his heart and spread to the rest of his body. Lizard Man, usually the typical all knowing wise man, was at a loss for what was happening.
"Thanks for everything Lizard Man. Take good care of grandpa Dustin for us; I'll say 'hi' to Stacy for you." These were the last words Quincy O'Snappers spoke before he disappeared in a flash of light.
"Mahogany, you've caused so much pain," Stacy said simply. "I mean, marrying Charles Goomy just to spite your dad is one thing, but then you killed your brother and nephew and had them turned into cyborgs? I mean, aside from being just plain evil, that doesn't even make any sense. I mean really, that's just crazy. Whoever could have thought that one up? You're a sick, sick weirdo, that's what you are. You're the type of person that draws on their dog's face with permanent marker. I'm not just talking about making just eyebrows either, I mean the whole kit 'n kaboodle - the moustache and beard, maybe even a goatee, and all that on top of the dog clothes and accessories you make them wear. What the heck is wrong with you, making your dog look like a man on a New York subway?"
"You dare criticize me!?" Mahogany screamed with indignation, a little bit of spittle dribbling out of her mouth. "I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE OVARIES, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO." And at this, Mahogany charged at Stacy.
"Please, Mahogany," Stacy pleaded, not moving an inch. "Try some remorse just this once..."
"You'll be remorseful when your baby maker gets a taste of my fists; they come in 39 different flavors, and you're about to get a free sample!" Stacy still did not move, letting Mahogany come right at her. Quincy O'Snappers was preparing to step in, when out of nowhere, a golden boxing glove collided right with Mahogany's face, knocking her straight off her feet. Both Quincy and Stacy looked to see who it was, only to see the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn adorned in boxing gloves and trunks, standing upright like a human.
"Stacy, it's time," the pony said. "I'll take this trash out myself. You can say goodbye to your friends, but try and hurry, I can't keep the portal opened too long." And at this, the pony grabbed Mahogany by the scruff of her neck and waited for Stacy to say her final farewells.
"Stace, what does he mean by that?" Quincy asked hesitantly.
"Quincy, I'm so sorry, but I have to go," Stacy responded. She couldn't bear to look into Quincy's eyes, and quickly walked over to Lizard Man, who had regained consciousness and was leaning haphazardly against a wall.
"Lizard Man, thank you for everything," Stacy said as she embraced her friend. "You saved my life twice in the past two days, and without you we'd have never dismantled the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"No Stacy, thank you. Without you, I never would have had the motivation to leave my sheltered forest life for good." Lizard Man gave Stacy a supportive shoulder grasp, the ultimate sign of brohood, even between woman and beast-man. Stacy then walked over to the portal, still refusing to meet Quincy's eyes.
"Stace..." Quincy O'Snappers said quietly. Stacy stopped dead in her tracks. "I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm sorry that I never said it until now. But after all this craziness with Lizard Man and the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and your insane grandpa and volcano lairs and a freakin' talking bear that collects Pokemon cards...Stacy, you can't leave now." Stacy looked sadly at her beloved best friend.
"Quincy, I have to go. And I'm sorry I never told you that I love you even more than Reese's Peanut Buttercups, more than Skittles, more than S'mores Pop-Tarts, heck, even more than Sour Patch Watermelons. But it's out there now: you're my favorite person in the world, and I love you. And that'll never change, even when you're here and I'm in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness." At this, Quincy O'Snappers started to let the tears flow.
"Stacy, we must go," the Golden Pony said, still holding on to Mahogany, who was now regaining consciousness. "I can't keep the portal open much longer." Stacy nodded, and then gave Quincy a sad little smile.
"Well Quince, after all this, it looks like we're finally parting ways. Good-bye!" Stacy turned towards the magical portal, hiding her tears, and walked in with the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and Mahogany in tow. Upon their entrance, the portal closed immediately, leaving Quincy O'Snappers and Lizard Man alone.
Lizard Man slowly hobbled his way over to Quincy O'Snappers in an effort to comfort him. Despite his wounds, Lizard Man was still able to walk the distance, albeit a wobbly walk. Indeed, the best way to describe Lizard Man at this moment would be to compare him to a Weeble Wobble. The catchphrase of "Weeble's Wobble but they don't fall down" was infinitely applicable to Lizard Man in these moments, and if it weren't for the sad situation at hand, Quincy O'Snappers would have most assuredly noted this. Alas, at this moment Quincy O'Snappers was numb to everything in the world, his heart a giant tundra of broken ice that was sustaining even more damage every moment because whales were trying to eat the penguins that had taken refuge on the miniature icy summits.
"Quincy, I know what you're feeling right now, and I know it hurts. But there's nothing you can do. She's gone now. She accepted her fate like a true hero."
"What does being a hero matter if you're stuck by yourself for the rest of eternity, though?" Quincy asked sadly. "And it's not like she ever wanted to be a hero, she just wanted the world to be a better place. It's not fair that she won't be able to see the fruits of her labor."
"I know it's not fair," Lizard Man said emphatically. "But sometimes you must have the serenity to accept that which you cannot change, and Stacy's never coming back, no matter how much you or I want her to."
"You're right," Quincy said, closing his eyes in the process. "She can't ever come back. But I can go to her. I'm not ready for her to be gone from my life - I love her with everything I have." After Quincy spoke these words, a faint golden light seemed to be emanate from within his heart and spread to the rest of his body. Lizard Man, usually the typical all knowing wise man, was at a loss for what was happening.
"Thanks for everything Lizard Man. Take good care of grandpa Dustin for us; I'll say 'hi' to Stacy for you." These were the last words Quincy O'Snappers spoke before he disappeared in a flash of light.
Chapter 13: The Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness
Stacy opened her eyes to a completely different sight than where she had just been. Instead of the cold, dark, mechanical room of death she had just been occupying, she was lying on a sandy beach in front of a seemingly never ending ocean of the clearest azure blue. She looked around and saw absolutely nothing but a seemingly infinite expanse of beautiful beaches. She couldn't even see any form of life across the ocean's horizon line. Though she was quite confuddled by this newest predicament, she couldn't help but be content; something about this place was calming to her soul. How long she stared out into the distance, she did not know. It could have been minutes, hours, or possibly even days; time seemed to have no place in this wondrous zone. Stacy soon remembered what had happened before she arrived here, and wished that she could have some answers. No sooner had she thought this, she heard the galloping of a horse on the sand in the distance. Turning around, she saw the most beautiful pony she had ever seen - golden was the only way you could describe anything about it, aside from the eyes, for they were the most wondrous shade of pickle green Stacy had ever seen. And atop this stallion rode none other than Kermit the frog, gripping his banjo, as per usual. The pair trotted up to Stacy and slowed down right in front of her.
"Stacy, you old so and so!" Kermit beamed at her. "You've finally arrived! I was wondering how long it would take you to finally get off Rocky Road and make it here." Despite her confuzzledness, Stacy couldn't help but smile back at the wonderful muppet.
"But where exactly is 'here'?" she asked. Instead of Kermit, the pony spoke to Stacy now.
"This is the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness," it said simply. "And I am the keeper of this everlasting place. Yes, I, the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn."
"That doesn't really answer my question, though," Stacy frowned at the pony.
"Simply put, the Golden Realm is a place that manifests itself on the outskirts of nothingness depending upon the heart of whoever the Keeper of the plaque is." The pony explained matter-of-factly.
"Wait, what?" Stacy asked, more confused than ever. "This place...doesn't exist?"
"Oh, it certainly exists. At least, now it does. You're the first person to ever enter it, and thus, this is the form it took. I must say though, your version of paradise is a beach with no one else around? How quaint."
"Well, not exactly...but what do you mean I'm the first person to come here? Haven't people been chasing after this thing for years and years? Did they know what would happen?"
"They certainly had a faint idea. I don't think it's exactly what any of them expected, but then again, what ever is?" The pony saw Stacy's confused expression and gave a lighthearted laugh. "Look my dear, the people who seek power are always blissfully ignorant to everything else but their own goals. Charles Goomy sought the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn because he had heard that it gave the Keeper their greatest desire, his being to have his body back. If he had managed to both obtain and unlock the secret of the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, he would have lived for eternity in nothingness with his new body. You, who desire nothing but peace and serenity, find yourself here on this beach." Stacy, the pony and Kermit all stood in silence for a few moments.
"And what would it have become if Mahogany had got here?" Stacy asked at length. The pony closed his eyes to ponder this quandary.
"I think," he began, "that her strongest desire is nothing short of the destruction of everything that anyone has ever cared for. Over the years, her bitterness for being named 'Mahogany' has stirred and bubbled to the point where she has become completely insane. She believes that no one could ever care for her with a name like that, despite the fact that her entire family cared about her very much. Personally, I think the name is both feminine and strong, suitable for a goddess. It's a shame things had to turn out that way." The pony sighed.
"If Mahogany's heart wants nothingness, then what would happen if she ended up here, in my version of the Golden Realm?" At this, the pony smiled once more.
"That's the question, isn't it? I can't say for sure, but I have a hunch, and my hunches are usually correct. Someone with that much hate in their heart can never understand a place like this, born out of love. I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to bring her here, then that would be the absolute end of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"'Bring her here...' So that means I'm going to have to come back then, doesn't it?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so Stacy. The Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness can only keep this form while the person who made it is inside of it. I expect you know what that means, then?" Stacy thought it over, and then nodded her head yes.
"I'll be stuck here forever, won't I..."
"Yes Stacy, and for that I'm truly sorry. It's going to take all of my energy to open a gateway between this world and yours for a short while, during which you'll have to bring her here. That is, if you want to go at all." Stacy had no hesitation in her response.
"No, I have to go. If I don't, Lizard Man and Quincy..." at Quincy's name, she stopped, tears coming to her eyes for the first time since she had awoken in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness. After recomposing herself, Stacy continued. "They might not be able to stop her. And I have to tell Quince this one time, or else he'll never know." The pony nodded its omniscious smile, and the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness started to fade before her eyes. Kermit strummed a few sad notes on his banjo and waved good-bye to Stacy.
"Stay strong for just a little while longer Stacy, all of this is almost over. Then you'll be able to see me and Fozzie Bear, Rowlf, Miss Piggy, Monster, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beeker, Gonzo, Scooter, Dr. Teeth, and Waldorf, too!"
"And Doc Hopper...will we finally convince him that you're more than just a pair of legs?" Stacy asked as the last remnants of the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness faded from her vision.
"You bet kiddo, you bet." Kermit's voice echoed in Stacy's head.
"Stacy, you old so and so!" Kermit beamed at her. "You've finally arrived! I was wondering how long it would take you to finally get off Rocky Road and make it here." Despite her confuzzledness, Stacy couldn't help but smile back at the wonderful muppet.
"But where exactly is 'here'?" she asked. Instead of Kermit, the pony spoke to Stacy now.
"This is the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness," it said simply. "And I am the keeper of this everlasting place. Yes, I, the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn."
"That doesn't really answer my question, though," Stacy frowned at the pony.
"Simply put, the Golden Realm is a place that manifests itself on the outskirts of nothingness depending upon the heart of whoever the Keeper of the plaque is." The pony explained matter-of-factly.
"Wait, what?" Stacy asked, more confused than ever. "This place...doesn't exist?"
"Oh, it certainly exists. At least, now it does. You're the first person to ever enter it, and thus, this is the form it took. I must say though, your version of paradise is a beach with no one else around? How quaint."
"Well, not exactly...but what do you mean I'm the first person to come here? Haven't people been chasing after this thing for years and years? Did they know what would happen?"
"They certainly had a faint idea. I don't think it's exactly what any of them expected, but then again, what ever is?" The pony saw Stacy's confused expression and gave a lighthearted laugh. "Look my dear, the people who seek power are always blissfully ignorant to everything else but their own goals. Charles Goomy sought the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn because he had heard that it gave the Keeper their greatest desire, his being to have his body back. If he had managed to both obtain and unlock the secret of the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, he would have lived for eternity in nothingness with his new body. You, who desire nothing but peace and serenity, find yourself here on this beach." Stacy, the pony and Kermit all stood in silence for a few moments.
"And what would it have become if Mahogany had got here?" Stacy asked at length. The pony closed his eyes to ponder this quandary.
"I think," he began, "that her strongest desire is nothing short of the destruction of everything that anyone has ever cared for. Over the years, her bitterness for being named 'Mahogany' has stirred and bubbled to the point where she has become completely insane. She believes that no one could ever care for her with a name like that, despite the fact that her entire family cared about her very much. Personally, I think the name is both feminine and strong, suitable for a goddess. It's a shame things had to turn out that way." The pony sighed.
"If Mahogany's heart wants nothingness, then what would happen if she ended up here, in my version of the Golden Realm?" At this, the pony smiled once more.
"That's the question, isn't it? I can't say for sure, but I have a hunch, and my hunches are usually correct. Someone with that much hate in their heart can never understand a place like this, born out of love. I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to bring her here, then that would be the absolute end of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"'Bring her here...' So that means I'm going to have to come back then, doesn't it?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so Stacy. The Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness can only keep this form while the person who made it is inside of it. I expect you know what that means, then?" Stacy thought it over, and then nodded her head yes.
"I'll be stuck here forever, won't I..."
"Yes Stacy, and for that I'm truly sorry. It's going to take all of my energy to open a gateway between this world and yours for a short while, during which you'll have to bring her here. That is, if you want to go at all." Stacy had no hesitation in her response.
"No, I have to go. If I don't, Lizard Man and Quincy..." at Quincy's name, she stopped, tears coming to her eyes for the first time since she had awoken in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness. After recomposing herself, Stacy continued. "They might not be able to stop her. And I have to tell Quince this one time, or else he'll never know." The pony nodded its omniscious smile, and the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness started to fade before her eyes. Kermit strummed a few sad notes on his banjo and waved good-bye to Stacy.
"Stay strong for just a little while longer Stacy, all of this is almost over. Then you'll be able to see me and Fozzie Bear, Rowlf, Miss Piggy, Monster, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beeker, Gonzo, Scooter, Dr. Teeth, and Waldorf, too!"
"And Doc Hopper...will we finally convince him that you're more than just a pair of legs?" Stacy asked as the last remnants of the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness faded from her vision.
"You bet kiddo, you bet." Kermit's voice echoed in Stacy's head.
Chapter 12: Late December in 2063
"So at last you've arrived," a woman's voice rang out into the darkness of the room. "Charles will be ever so glad to see you." The lights then came on, revealing a large room, full to the brim with computer moniters, switches and levers, hoosiers and watchits. In the center of the room was, Stacy recognized, Mahogany Murray, estranged auntie of her husband Optimus. Next to her was an old fashioned gumball machine, which housed not delicious gum, but a brain with one giant grotesque shut eye.
"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" Mahogany cooed at the brain within the gumball machine. The lone eye slowly fluttered open and took a moment to focus on the scene before it. Upon seeing Stacy and realizing what it meant, the brain of Charles Goomy spoke.
"Ah, so you really have brought me the girl," Charles spoke. "Excellent, most excellent. Have the guards brought in to have them killed. Immediately."
"Well, about that," Mahogany said in her most girlish voice. "These three and their recently deceased bear friend tore through our defenses pretty bad. There's no one left, not even Sasquatch."
"And you just now decided to wake me, after all of this had taken place!?" Charles screamed, the rage tingling throughout the cerebral cortex palpable throughout the room. And then comprehension dawned upon Charles Goomy. "I was right about you; you've been planning to take over the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate all this time." Lizard Man, Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers all glanced at one another, confused at the events that were transpiring before their eyes.
"Oh, Charles," Mahogany said with an insane grin quickly spreading across her mouth. "Of course I have. And I must say that if you hadn't had such a forgiving nature, I would have been killed years and years ago. Yes, that would have been the case under a competent leader, unlike yourself. Anyway, it's time to show you the real reason I woke you up." At the end of her soliloquy, Mahogany pressed one of the many buttons strewn on a nearby, conveniently placed control panel. Two holes then opened up near the spot where Mahogany and the gumball machine encasing the brain of Charles Goomy stood. Platforms then rose out of these holes, each carrying a figure atop. Stacy and Quincy both let out a gasp at the sight of these two figures, recognition on both their faces - Voltron and Optimus Murray, father and son, were facing them, their eyes strangely devoid of life.
"I was told these two were dead..." Charles Goomy said, his voice actually full of fear now.
"And dead they are," Mahogany responded. "But there's one itsy bitsy detail that was left out of that report. Namely, that their bodies have been turned into cyborgs now. Cyborgs who are programmed to obey only I, naturally." Mahogany turned to the Voltron cyborg. "Dear brother, do me a favor and get rid of this old gumball machine." Voltron came to life instantaneously, grabbing the gumball machine and wrenching it from its foundations.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance!" Charles Goomy moaned.
"Indeed, my beloved Charles. But mercy is an invitation for death. A lesson, it seems, you never learned, even after my father and brother jumped upon your moment of hesitation and confined you to a life without a body." The Voltron cyborg then broke open the bulletproof glass casing of the gumball machine, letting the brain fall and plop pitifully on to the ground. Charles Goomy's lone eye slowly turned its gaze upon Stacy.
"Golden Pony...use it...destroy her...please..." And with these last words, Charles Goomy's eye clouded over and closed, never to open again.
"Well, now that that unpleasant business is over and done with, how about we finish this off once and for all?" Mahogany asked the remaining three pleasantly. Before a response could be given, Mahogany made the first move. "Voltron and Optimus cyborgs - join together to make your ultimate form!" The two cyborgs gave no hesitation, and jumped into action. They ran to opposite sides of the room, turned around to face one another, and then began to charge. Nanoseconds before they collided, there was a blinding light. After a few moments of nigh unbearable brightness, the light dissipated, in its place the sweetest motorcycle ever. Mahogany walked calmly over to the bike and sat upon it.
"Yes, I have a dope ride, yo," she said, looking directly into Stacy's eyes. "I call it the Murrcycle. Do you like the use I've put your husband and father-in-law to? They're of much more use to everyone now, wouldn't you agree?" Stacy squeezed her hand tightly against Quincy's, looking for some kind of comfort for the horror that lay in front of her. Mahogany then revved the aptly named Murrcycle, preparing for her attack.
"Well, any plans for this one?" Stacy asked in a wavering voice, her hand still clutching Quincy's.
"I'll have to fight it head on," Lizard Man said simply. "By the looks of it I don't stand much of a chance, but I'll have to hold her off while you two can figure something out." Before any objections could be given, Mahogany shot directly at the group in the Murrcycle. It came with such force and speed that Lizard Man was only barely able to catch and hold the front tire, and even then it took all of his might to hold it in place. Quincy O'Snappers held on to Stacy's hand and hurried out of the way of the ensuing battle.
"Ho ho, so the freak thinks he can hold me?" Mahogany asked with a maniacal laugh. "Then take this!" She then pulled a cattle prod out of nowhere while Lizard Man was desperately grasping the Murrcycle and touched it to his face, sending torrent after torrent of electricity to Lizard Man's body. Lizard Man, however, refused to give Mahogany the satisfaction of making him scream. The refusal of one of her sadistic pleasures just made Mahogany more sadistic, thus making her press a button on the Murrcycle that shot flames out of the front right on to Lizard Man's flesh.
"He can't keep this up, Quince..." Stacy cried. "Isn't there something we can do?"
"Oh what a night..." was all Quincy O'Snappers could respond. After muttering this useless statement, something triggered in Quincy's mind, and he kept speaking. "Late December back in '63. What a very special night for me, 'cause I remember what a night..." And then Quincy had a wonderful epiphany, realizing exactly what to do. He ran over to the nearby control panel that Mahogany had used to summon the cyborg duo, looking for what he knew was there last chance. Stacy had followed Quincy over, having no clue what was happening.
"Quince, what-" Before she could finish her sentence, Lizard Man finally let out a howl of pain.
"Yes, that'll do it," Mahogany triumphantly declared. "Now you can die." She then looked over and saw Stacy and Quincy standing at the control panel. "GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU SWINE!" she yelled. It was at this moment that Quincy had finally found what he was looking for. He took the CD he had burned earlier out of his pocket, and hurridly jammed it into the CD player situated on the control panel. September by Earth, Wind & Fire then began to jam throughout the entire room. Almost instantly, the Murrcycle started to shake, and then exploded, with Mahogany barely having enough time to jump off, leaving Lizard Man lying unconscious on the ground.
"No matter, no matter," Mahogany panted in lieu of her near death experience. "Without Lizard Man here, you two are finished. And for touching my control panel, I guess you get to go first, bucko." She then took an extendable whiffle ball bat out of her pocket, and threw it straight at Quincy O'Snappers' face. Before Stacy could think, she jumped in front of the oncoming bat, taking the hit full on in the kisser. Everything became gold, and Stacy was sure she was dead.
"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" Mahogany cooed at the brain within the gumball machine. The lone eye slowly fluttered open and took a moment to focus on the scene before it. Upon seeing Stacy and realizing what it meant, the brain of Charles Goomy spoke.
"Ah, so you really have brought me the girl," Charles spoke. "Excellent, most excellent. Have the guards brought in to have them killed. Immediately."
"Well, about that," Mahogany said in her most girlish voice. "These three and their recently deceased bear friend tore through our defenses pretty bad. There's no one left, not even Sasquatch."
"And you just now decided to wake me, after all of this had taken place!?" Charles screamed, the rage tingling throughout the cerebral cortex palpable throughout the room. And then comprehension dawned upon Charles Goomy. "I was right about you; you've been planning to take over the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate all this time." Lizard Man, Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers all glanced at one another, confused at the events that were transpiring before their eyes.
"Oh, Charles," Mahogany said with an insane grin quickly spreading across her mouth. "Of course I have. And I must say that if you hadn't had such a forgiving nature, I would have been killed years and years ago. Yes, that would have been the case under a competent leader, unlike yourself. Anyway, it's time to show you the real reason I woke you up." At the end of her soliloquy, Mahogany pressed one of the many buttons strewn on a nearby, conveniently placed control panel. Two holes then opened up near the spot where Mahogany and the gumball machine encasing the brain of Charles Goomy stood. Platforms then rose out of these holes, each carrying a figure atop. Stacy and Quincy both let out a gasp at the sight of these two figures, recognition on both their faces - Voltron and Optimus Murray, father and son, were facing them, their eyes strangely devoid of life.
"I was told these two were dead..." Charles Goomy said, his voice actually full of fear now.
"And dead they are," Mahogany responded. "But there's one itsy bitsy detail that was left out of that report. Namely, that their bodies have been turned into cyborgs now. Cyborgs who are programmed to obey only I, naturally." Mahogany turned to the Voltron cyborg. "Dear brother, do me a favor and get rid of this old gumball machine." Voltron came to life instantaneously, grabbing the gumball machine and wrenching it from its foundations.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance!" Charles Goomy moaned.
"Indeed, my beloved Charles. But mercy is an invitation for death. A lesson, it seems, you never learned, even after my father and brother jumped upon your moment of hesitation and confined you to a life without a body." The Voltron cyborg then broke open the bulletproof glass casing of the gumball machine, letting the brain fall and plop pitifully on to the ground. Charles Goomy's lone eye slowly turned its gaze upon Stacy.
"Golden Pony...use it...destroy her...please..." And with these last words, Charles Goomy's eye clouded over and closed, never to open again.
"Well, now that that unpleasant business is over and done with, how about we finish this off once and for all?" Mahogany asked the remaining three pleasantly. Before a response could be given, Mahogany made the first move. "Voltron and Optimus cyborgs - join together to make your ultimate form!" The two cyborgs gave no hesitation, and jumped into action. They ran to opposite sides of the room, turned around to face one another, and then began to charge. Nanoseconds before they collided, there was a blinding light. After a few moments of nigh unbearable brightness, the light dissipated, in its place the sweetest motorcycle ever. Mahogany walked calmly over to the bike and sat upon it.
"Yes, I have a dope ride, yo," she said, looking directly into Stacy's eyes. "I call it the Murrcycle. Do you like the use I've put your husband and father-in-law to? They're of much more use to everyone now, wouldn't you agree?" Stacy squeezed her hand tightly against Quincy's, looking for some kind of comfort for the horror that lay in front of her. Mahogany then revved the aptly named Murrcycle, preparing for her attack.
"Well, any plans for this one?" Stacy asked in a wavering voice, her hand still clutching Quincy's.
"I'll have to fight it head on," Lizard Man said simply. "By the looks of it I don't stand much of a chance, but I'll have to hold her off while you two can figure something out." Before any objections could be given, Mahogany shot directly at the group in the Murrcycle. It came with such force and speed that Lizard Man was only barely able to catch and hold the front tire, and even then it took all of his might to hold it in place. Quincy O'Snappers held on to Stacy's hand and hurried out of the way of the ensuing battle.
"Ho ho, so the freak thinks he can hold me?" Mahogany asked with a maniacal laugh. "Then take this!" She then pulled a cattle prod out of nowhere while Lizard Man was desperately grasping the Murrcycle and touched it to his face, sending torrent after torrent of electricity to Lizard Man's body. Lizard Man, however, refused to give Mahogany the satisfaction of making him scream. The refusal of one of her sadistic pleasures just made Mahogany more sadistic, thus making her press a button on the Murrcycle that shot flames out of the front right on to Lizard Man's flesh.
"He can't keep this up, Quince..." Stacy cried. "Isn't there something we can do?"
"Oh what a night..." was all Quincy O'Snappers could respond. After muttering this useless statement, something triggered in Quincy's mind, and he kept speaking. "Late December back in '63. What a very special night for me, 'cause I remember what a night..." And then Quincy had a wonderful epiphany, realizing exactly what to do. He ran over to the nearby control panel that Mahogany had used to summon the cyborg duo, looking for what he knew was there last chance. Stacy had followed Quincy over, having no clue what was happening.
"Quince, what-" Before she could finish her sentence, Lizard Man finally let out a howl of pain.
"Yes, that'll do it," Mahogany triumphantly declared. "Now you can die." She then looked over and saw Stacy and Quincy standing at the control panel. "GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU SWINE!" she yelled. It was at this moment that Quincy had finally found what he was looking for. He took the CD he had burned earlier out of his pocket, and hurridly jammed it into the CD player situated on the control panel. September by Earth, Wind & Fire then began to jam throughout the entire room. Almost instantly, the Murrcycle started to shake, and then exploded, with Mahogany barely having enough time to jump off, leaving Lizard Man lying unconscious on the ground.
"No matter, no matter," Mahogany panted in lieu of her near death experience. "Without Lizard Man here, you two are finished. And for touching my control panel, I guess you get to go first, bucko." She then took an extendable whiffle ball bat out of her pocket, and threw it straight at Quincy O'Snappers' face. Before Stacy could think, she jumped in front of the oncoming bat, taking the hit full on in the kisser. Everything became gold, and Stacy was sure she was dead.
Chapter 11: The Last Stand of Grumbles the Bear
The quartet had entered a door at the bottom of the stairway, and were now in an elevator, heading down towards what they knew had to be the control room. All were nervous, not knowing what lay in wait ahead of them. The elevator finally stopped, the doors rattled open, and the group of ragtag heroes stepped out into a seemingly empty and very long corridor. The only thing in sight was a door at the opposite side of the hallway. Glancing around quickly to make sure no one else was around, the group commenced the walk down this creepy place. As the group trudged through, they couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right, but dared not speak their fears to the others, and instead kept their gaze steadfast towards the door. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally reached the end of this hallway, and Lizard Man grasped the door knob. Upon doing so, a voice came from behind them.
"Good evening, lady and gentlemen. Though I do use the term lightly." The foursome quickly turned around, only to see a bigger shock than even the giant cat robot produced - Sasquatch was standing in front of them. To add on to the strangeness of the situation, he sported a top hat, a diamond encrusted cane, and (most stylish of all) a golden monocle.
"Sasquatch!?" Lizard Man asked with surprised. "What are you doing here? And when did you learn to talk? Last time we met, your intelligence was less than that of most animals..."
"Well, your dear friend Grumbles isn't the only beast to have been experimented on by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. When they saw the destruction that one simple bear had wrought, they knew that emulating those results with a creature of even greater strength would prove to be a most epic endeavor. Of course, on top of strength far surpassing Grumbles, I have an even higher level of intelligence." The friends scoffed at this.
"If you have so much intelligence, then why are you letting the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate make you their errand boy?" Quincy O'Snappers asked.
"Laugh all you want, but at least I didn't become hopelessly addicted to Pokemon Cards." Sasquatch replied with a wry smile. And at this, he held up Grumbles' binder, full to the brim of all his Pocket Monsters.
Without a single warning, Grumbles sprang into action, and slashed his awesome bear claws at Sasquatch, who barely had any time to react with a crazy backflip kick to the face of the beloved Grumbles. Not phased by this, Grumbles slashed once again at Sasquatch, this time breaking the monocle. A furious Sasquatch then swiped at Grumbles with his diamond encrusted cane, whalloping Grumbles right in the snout, and drawing blood from the bear. Lizard Man made to jump in on the action, but Grumbles extended his arm, blocking his path. Lizard Man nodded in grim understanding at what was to happen: Grumbles wanted to fight Sasquatch by himself, even if it meant his own death. Stacy and Quincy, on the other hand, didn't understand this situation.
"Why don't you help him!?" Stacy asked. "Even if he can beat Sasquatch, there's no way he's going to be in any shape to do anything else..."
"You must understand the pride of a bear," Lizard Man replied thoughtfully. "They are undoubtedly the awesomest animal ever, and to disrespect one, especially right to their face, is something that should never be taken lightly. Grumbles is one of the proudest creatures I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, even for a bear." Lizard Man trailed off, and the trio watched on in horror as the fierce battle continued. Fist vs paw, claws vs nails, bear vs yeti; to describe ferocity of the battle in any detail would do it little justice. Imagine God creating the entire universe, and one might begin to have a faint understanding of the pure power that emanated from both of these furry warriors. Finally, after nearly 10 straight minutes of these two beings entangled in the fiercest of mortal combats, Grumbles tore off a chunk of Sasquatch's nose with his powerful bear jaws. Sasquatch then fell to the ground, holding the bloody part of his yeti face where the protector of his naval cavity used to be. Grumbles, too, kneeled down to the floor, most of his energy spent in his battle against Sasquatch, just as Stacy had predicted. The group walked over to Grumbles to see if they could comfort their friend.
"I'll be fine," Grumbles said, giving his best attempt at a smile. "You three better go on, and finish this thing without me." At this, Stacy gave Grumbles a hug.
"Thank you Mr. Grumbles. Thank you for everything you've done for us...I'm sorry it had to come to this. But after we finish off the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, we'll come back, and you and I and Quince, and Lizard Man too if he wants, can go and-" But what exactly they could do was never spoken aloud, as the ceiling gave a great lurch and started to collapse. Before it could fall all the way and make all of them into icky flesh pancakes, it stopped, and everyone saw that Sasquatch had somehow gotten up and was holding the entire ceiling, despite the grotesqueness that his nose was missing.
"Hurry," the yeti said. "Go on, I can't hold this for much longer." Lizard Man and Quincy hurried over to support Grumbles, and, along with Stacy, hurried to the door. As they were walking away, Grumbles looked back, and saw, through horrified eyes, that Sasquatch was about to give out. He pushed Lizard Man and Quincy out in front of him and grabbed the ceiling himself.
"NOOO!" Stacy and Quincy screamed together.
"I'm so sorry about this, Grumbles," Lizard Man said with sorrow in his voice.
"Don't worry about me anymore," Grumbles said. "Just get those two out of here and finish the job we came to do." Lizard Man obliged, grabbing both Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers and bolting through the door. As he was being carried away, Quincy caught Grumbles' eye, and they both understood each other for the last time, while Stacy yelled "Good-bye Mr. Grumbles; we love you, thanks for everything!" with tears streaming down her face. Grumbles turned behind him to Sasquatch, who looked back at him.
"I'm sorry my fellow woodland creature," Sasquatch said. "We should have never fought."
"Don't worry about it," Grumbles said with a grim smile. "I could hardly pick a better yeti to die with."
Lizard Man had reached the new room, and with one last look at Grumbles, closed the door behind him. Immediately afterwards, an earth shaking slam was heard, and all three knew that Grumbles the Bear was gone.
"Good evening, lady and gentlemen. Though I do use the term lightly." The foursome quickly turned around, only to see a bigger shock than even the giant cat robot produced - Sasquatch was standing in front of them. To add on to the strangeness of the situation, he sported a top hat, a diamond encrusted cane, and (most stylish of all) a golden monocle.
"Sasquatch!?" Lizard Man asked with surprised. "What are you doing here? And when did you learn to talk? Last time we met, your intelligence was less than that of most animals..."
"Well, your dear friend Grumbles isn't the only beast to have been experimented on by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. When they saw the destruction that one simple bear had wrought, they knew that emulating those results with a creature of even greater strength would prove to be a most epic endeavor. Of course, on top of strength far surpassing Grumbles, I have an even higher level of intelligence." The friends scoffed at this.
"If you have so much intelligence, then why are you letting the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate make you their errand boy?" Quincy O'Snappers asked.
"Laugh all you want, but at least I didn't become hopelessly addicted to Pokemon Cards." Sasquatch replied with a wry smile. And at this, he held up Grumbles' binder, full to the brim of all his Pocket Monsters.
Without a single warning, Grumbles sprang into action, and slashed his awesome bear claws at Sasquatch, who barely had any time to react with a crazy backflip kick to the face of the beloved Grumbles. Not phased by this, Grumbles slashed once again at Sasquatch, this time breaking the monocle. A furious Sasquatch then swiped at Grumbles with his diamond encrusted cane, whalloping Grumbles right in the snout, and drawing blood from the bear. Lizard Man made to jump in on the action, but Grumbles extended his arm, blocking his path. Lizard Man nodded in grim understanding at what was to happen: Grumbles wanted to fight Sasquatch by himself, even if it meant his own death. Stacy and Quincy, on the other hand, didn't understand this situation.
"Why don't you help him!?" Stacy asked. "Even if he can beat Sasquatch, there's no way he's going to be in any shape to do anything else..."
"You must understand the pride of a bear," Lizard Man replied thoughtfully. "They are undoubtedly the awesomest animal ever, and to disrespect one, especially right to their face, is something that should never be taken lightly. Grumbles is one of the proudest creatures I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, even for a bear." Lizard Man trailed off, and the trio watched on in horror as the fierce battle continued. Fist vs paw, claws vs nails, bear vs yeti; to describe ferocity of the battle in any detail would do it little justice. Imagine God creating the entire universe, and one might begin to have a faint understanding of the pure power that emanated from both of these furry warriors. Finally, after nearly 10 straight minutes of these two beings entangled in the fiercest of mortal combats, Grumbles tore off a chunk of Sasquatch's nose with his powerful bear jaws. Sasquatch then fell to the ground, holding the bloody part of his yeti face where the protector of his naval cavity used to be. Grumbles, too, kneeled down to the floor, most of his energy spent in his battle against Sasquatch, just as Stacy had predicted. The group walked over to Grumbles to see if they could comfort their friend.
"I'll be fine," Grumbles said, giving his best attempt at a smile. "You three better go on, and finish this thing without me." At this, Stacy gave Grumbles a hug.
"Thank you Mr. Grumbles. Thank you for everything you've done for us...I'm sorry it had to come to this. But after we finish off the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, we'll come back, and you and I and Quince, and Lizard Man too if he wants, can go and-" But what exactly they could do was never spoken aloud, as the ceiling gave a great lurch and started to collapse. Before it could fall all the way and make all of them into icky flesh pancakes, it stopped, and everyone saw that Sasquatch had somehow gotten up and was holding the entire ceiling, despite the grotesqueness that his nose was missing.
"Hurry," the yeti said. "Go on, I can't hold this for much longer." Lizard Man and Quincy hurried over to support Grumbles, and, along with Stacy, hurried to the door. As they were walking away, Grumbles looked back, and saw, through horrified eyes, that Sasquatch was about to give out. He pushed Lizard Man and Quincy out in front of him and grabbed the ceiling himself.
"NOOO!" Stacy and Quincy screamed together.
"I'm so sorry about this, Grumbles," Lizard Man said with sorrow in his voice.
"Don't worry about me anymore," Grumbles said. "Just get those two out of here and finish the job we came to do." Lizard Man obliged, grabbing both Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers and bolting through the door. As he was being carried away, Quincy caught Grumbles' eye, and they both understood each other for the last time, while Stacy yelled "Good-bye Mr. Grumbles; we love you, thanks for everything!" with tears streaming down her face. Grumbles turned behind him to Sasquatch, who looked back at him.
"I'm sorry my fellow woodland creature," Sasquatch said. "We should have never fought."
"Don't worry about it," Grumbles said with a grim smile. "I could hardly pick a better yeti to die with."
Lizard Man had reached the new room, and with one last look at Grumbles, closed the door behind him. Immediately afterwards, an earth shaking slam was heard, and all three knew that Grumbles the Bear was gone.
Chapter 10: The Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's Brush With Freshness
Quincy O'Snappers stared with blank eyes at the recently cheeseified Grumbles as he sat in their small prison. The Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate had taken both of them to their Volcano Lair and locked them in a dungeon. Where Stacy was and if she was still in good health, Quincy didn't know. Not that it mattered, it was all over now; if Stacy was in the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's hands, then so was the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, the one thing that they had been trying to keep from their clutches. To think of everything that had transpired in just the past week. "Had it really been a week?" Quincy thought to himself. Yes, it was only a week ago that Optimus had told Stacy that she had to leave with the Golden Pony, and to take Quincy, her best friend, with her, because the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate would stop at nothing to have the pony. Before they had left, Optimus had taken Quincy aside to tell him of the dangers that they both faced and to give him his apologies. It had been there that Quincy, for the first time in over 20 years of knowing Stacy, confessed his true feelings for her, and to her husband no less, to show that there was no apologies necessary. That night seemed like a lifetime ago now.
Before Quincy could give the glum situation anymore though, he noticed that the cheese engulfed Grumbles had seemed to twitch. Quincy quickly got to his feet and moved over to Grumbles, hardly daring to believe that what had just happened had been anything more than a trick of the light. As he came up next to Grumbles, he heard a very faint "Quincy..."
"Yes Grumbles, I'm here!" Quincy O'Snappers excitedly declared, amazed that this bear had so much stamina.
"Quincy...I need...need...Mentos..." the bear somehow spoke through the cheese.
"What!?" Quincy asked, completely and utterly bamboozled.
"Mentos...I smell Mentos...in your...your pocket..." Quincy opened up his super secret inner jacket pocket, having completely forgot about his spare stash of Mentos that he always kept around in case of emergencies, such as sitting on a painted park bench or breaking a high heeled shoe right before an important business meeting with those darn sexist bosses that just don't get today's working class woman. He detached a mint from the rest of the pack, lamenting the loss of one of those delightful delights. He had nothing to lament after placing it in the eagerly waiting mouth of Grumbles, however; with a sudden burst of energy, Grumbles burst free from his dairy prison. On top of that, he seemed to be fully rejuvenated, ready to stir the pot of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's Volcano fortress.
"Ah, Mentos, the freshmaker," Grumbles said as he nodded knowingly. "Listen, I don't know if Stacy's here or not, but while we're here, why don't we end the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's reign once and for all?"
"How do you propose we do that?" Quincy asked hesitantly.
"I wasn't supposed to tell you yet, but Lizard Man and I have been planning an assault on this volcano for years now. See, getting in is the hardest part, and they've apparently already done the job for us. Once Lizard Man finds out that we're here I'm sure he'll bolt on over and help us finish this fight. I know you're worried about Stacy," Grumbles said in response to the misgiving in Quincy's eyes. "But think about it; regardless of if she's here or not, they'll continue following her as long as she holds the pony, no matter what. We have the power to stop this right now." Quincy nodded silently in agreement.
Grumbles, satisfied at having gained the trust of Quincy O'Snappers, then let out one of his trademark "GRUMBLES PUUUUUUUUUUUNCH" and sent the entire wall crashing through the innards of the Volcano Lair. The seemingly omnipotent bear then ran out of the newly made exit, with Quincy O'Snappers following close behind, knowing that they had to make their way up to the top of the Volcano in order to gain entrance into the main control chambers. Along the way, countless Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate members threw themselves at the duo, but what chance did these poor, pitiful humans ever have against the might of a recently freshified talking bear?
After punching in another entire wall, Grumbles and Quincy O'Snappers finally made their way to fresh air, at the very top of the Volcano Lair. They quickly looked around, and saw a set of metallic stairs leading down into the center of the volcano itself. Simultaneously the friends ran forward to the stairway, but suddenly, the volcano started shaking quite violently.
"Is it going to erupt!?" Quincy O'Snappers yelled like a woman while tinkling himself a teensy bit. Before Grumbles could give a bemused response to the girly Quincy O'Snappers, the true reason behind the quaking of the volcano made itself clear: a giant robotic bipedal cat emerged from within the volcano. The robot cat was at least three stories tall and looked like it weighed 20 tons. As if that wasn't enough, as its whole feline robot cat body emerged from its molten lava depths, the fact that it could fly with the rocket jet boosters attached to its feet became apparent. Quincy and Grumbles could only stare in awe at this spectacle, wondering what was about to happen. The head of the cat tilted backwards, and slowly but surely, the two could see the inside of the robot, and at its helm was none other than Sing-Song Man.
"Well, well, well," he smiled smugly. "Isn't this just swell?"
"Sing-Song, you're still working for the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate after Lizard Man completely destroyed you?" Grumbles angrily yelled.
"No no no, you see, I have been promoted to the leader's personal secretary. And who has been sent to destroy thee, why who else but me?"
"Can't you just cut the rhyming stuff out for once?" Grumbles asked, growing more and more angry.
"Do you know what it's like to speak this way, only able to rhyme each and every day? All it does is push others away." While saying this, Sing-Song's voice became somber and sad, the years of loneliness finally catching up to him. Before Grumbles could tactlessly yell at the rhyming man some more, Quincy O'Snappers spoke.
"If it's a friend you want, why did you join the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate? You should have known they would only be out to hurt people. And believe me, I know they don't have any respect for the musically inclined. I...I tried to join back in high school, but once they saw how important music was to me, they turned me down." Sing-Song threw these caring words to the wayside.
"It now matters not; I'll usher in the end of this town in my robot!" he retorted.
"No, please!" Quincy O'Snappers begged. "There has to be something you care about enough to spare."
"ENOUGH OF THIS FLUFF!" Sing-Song screamed wildly at the top of his lungs. "I will fly high above this pseudo Metropolis, and I'll rain terror down on the general populace!" And at this, the robot cat's head hatch closed back down upon the rest of its body, and the eyes started to glow red - a blood red, one might say. Suddenly, the eyes fired a laser beam, directly at the heart of Quincy O'Snappers. Quincy had no time to react, only time to see the laser firing directly at him, and surely he was about to die, when Grumbles swatted the lasers away like a bothersome fly. Grumbles then jumped high into the air directly towards the robot cat and gave it his mightiest Grumbles Punch. Even the full force of Grumbles seemed to do nothing, however, as the robot didn't even give the slightest of mid-air wobbles. Grumbles landed hard on the ground next to Quincy, obviously injured from his assault.
"Quick Quincy, one more Mentos," Grumbles grunted out. Quincy immediately reached for this secret pocket again, but realized that it was all in vain, as the cat robot was about to step on the both of them. Suddenly, a rainbow streaked across the sky, did a quick turn and landed right in front of Quincy O'Snappers and Grumbles. Before Quincy's eyes could adjust, the robotic paw came crashing down. Miraculously, the rainbow seemed to be holding it back.
"QUINCY, THE MENTOS, HURRY!" Grumbles roared. Quincy regained his thoughts once again, and grabbed his last Mentos and gave it to Grumbles. The effect upon Grumbles was immediate, as he not only joined the mysterious rainbow figure, but proceeded to tear the entire leg off with his bare bear paws. He then jumped high into the air once again, knowing that this was his last shot, and gave the strongest Grumbles Punch he had ever delivered, straight to the central nuclear cortex of the robot, sending it flying into the atmosphere. He then came back down to the ground once again, this time sans the injuries.
"Thanks Lizard Man, I thought we were done for sure," the bear said gratefully as he patted the now not so mysterious rainbow figure. "Oh, and you already rescued Stacy? Good, that makes things a lot easier." At this, Quincy forcefully tore his eyes away from the sight of the Blood-Eyed Cat Robot, which was still flying into space, and turned around to see Stacy standing and beaming at him. Before he could think his actions through, he ran over to embrace and kiss her, not caring about the fact that she was married to a personal friend of his; that she was alive was all that mattered to him anymore. As they parted lips, Quincy O'Snappers looked directly into Stacy's eyes.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to do that."
"Quince, I'm sorry, but I can't," Stacy said as her eyes filled up with tears. "You're my best friend, and I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm married to Optimus, I've been fighting this whole time for him."
"Yeah, I know," Quincy said quietly with wave after wave of disappointment crashing against his heart.
"Hey, lovebirds," Grumbles said, half amused and half frustrated. "We have a world to save here, save the high school drama for later." Lizard Man and Grumbles then walked towards the staircase leading into the center of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's Volcano Lair, while Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers looked at each other for a few moments more. Stacy was the first to break eye contact as she followed the other two. Quincy remained behind for a few moments longer, wondering to himself if telling Stacy how he truly felt had been a good idea. Putting these thoughts aside, he ran after the others, eager to end these shenanigans.
Before Quincy could give the glum situation anymore though, he noticed that the cheese engulfed Grumbles had seemed to twitch. Quincy quickly got to his feet and moved over to Grumbles, hardly daring to believe that what had just happened had been anything more than a trick of the light. As he came up next to Grumbles, he heard a very faint "Quincy..."
"Yes Grumbles, I'm here!" Quincy O'Snappers excitedly declared, amazed that this bear had so much stamina.
"Quincy...I need...need...Mentos..." the bear somehow spoke through the cheese.
"What!?" Quincy asked, completely and utterly bamboozled.
"Mentos...I smell Mentos...in your...your pocket..." Quincy opened up his super secret inner jacket pocket, having completely forgot about his spare stash of Mentos that he always kept around in case of emergencies, such as sitting on a painted park bench or breaking a high heeled shoe right before an important business meeting with those darn sexist bosses that just don't get today's working class woman. He detached a mint from the rest of the pack, lamenting the loss of one of those delightful delights. He had nothing to lament after placing it in the eagerly waiting mouth of Grumbles, however; with a sudden burst of energy, Grumbles burst free from his dairy prison. On top of that, he seemed to be fully rejuvenated, ready to stir the pot of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's Volcano fortress.
"Ah, Mentos, the freshmaker," Grumbles said as he nodded knowingly. "Listen, I don't know if Stacy's here or not, but while we're here, why don't we end the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's reign once and for all?"
"How do you propose we do that?" Quincy asked hesitantly.
"I wasn't supposed to tell you yet, but Lizard Man and I have been planning an assault on this volcano for years now. See, getting in is the hardest part, and they've apparently already done the job for us. Once Lizard Man finds out that we're here I'm sure he'll bolt on over and help us finish this fight. I know you're worried about Stacy," Grumbles said in response to the misgiving in Quincy's eyes. "But think about it; regardless of if she's here or not, they'll continue following her as long as she holds the pony, no matter what. We have the power to stop this right now." Quincy nodded silently in agreement.
Grumbles, satisfied at having gained the trust of Quincy O'Snappers, then let out one of his trademark "GRUMBLES PUUUUUUUUUUUNCH" and sent the entire wall crashing through the innards of the Volcano Lair. The seemingly omnipotent bear then ran out of the newly made exit, with Quincy O'Snappers following close behind, knowing that they had to make their way up to the top of the Volcano in order to gain entrance into the main control chambers. Along the way, countless Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate members threw themselves at the duo, but what chance did these poor, pitiful humans ever have against the might of a recently freshified talking bear?
After punching in another entire wall, Grumbles and Quincy O'Snappers finally made their way to fresh air, at the very top of the Volcano Lair. They quickly looked around, and saw a set of metallic stairs leading down into the center of the volcano itself. Simultaneously the friends ran forward to the stairway, but suddenly, the volcano started shaking quite violently.
"Is it going to erupt!?" Quincy O'Snappers yelled like a woman while tinkling himself a teensy bit. Before Grumbles could give a bemused response to the girly Quincy O'Snappers, the true reason behind the quaking of the volcano made itself clear: a giant robotic bipedal cat emerged from within the volcano. The robot cat was at least three stories tall and looked like it weighed 20 tons. As if that wasn't enough, as its whole feline robot cat body emerged from its molten lava depths, the fact that it could fly with the rocket jet boosters attached to its feet became apparent. Quincy and Grumbles could only stare in awe at this spectacle, wondering what was about to happen. The head of the cat tilted backwards, and slowly but surely, the two could see the inside of the robot, and at its helm was none other than Sing-Song Man.
"Well, well, well," he smiled smugly. "Isn't this just swell?"
"Sing-Song, you're still working for the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate after Lizard Man completely destroyed you?" Grumbles angrily yelled.
"No no no, you see, I have been promoted to the leader's personal secretary. And who has been sent to destroy thee, why who else but me?"
"Can't you just cut the rhyming stuff out for once?" Grumbles asked, growing more and more angry.
"Do you know what it's like to speak this way, only able to rhyme each and every day? All it does is push others away." While saying this, Sing-Song's voice became somber and sad, the years of loneliness finally catching up to him. Before Grumbles could tactlessly yell at the rhyming man some more, Quincy O'Snappers spoke.
"If it's a friend you want, why did you join the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate? You should have known they would only be out to hurt people. And believe me, I know they don't have any respect for the musically inclined. I...I tried to join back in high school, but once they saw how important music was to me, they turned me down." Sing-Song threw these caring words to the wayside.
"It now matters not; I'll usher in the end of this town in my robot!" he retorted.
"No, please!" Quincy O'Snappers begged. "There has to be something you care about enough to spare."
"ENOUGH OF THIS FLUFF!" Sing-Song screamed wildly at the top of his lungs. "I will fly high above this pseudo Metropolis, and I'll rain terror down on the general populace!" And at this, the robot cat's head hatch closed back down upon the rest of its body, and the eyes started to glow red - a blood red, one might say. Suddenly, the eyes fired a laser beam, directly at the heart of Quincy O'Snappers. Quincy had no time to react, only time to see the laser firing directly at him, and surely he was about to die, when Grumbles swatted the lasers away like a bothersome fly. Grumbles then jumped high into the air directly towards the robot cat and gave it his mightiest Grumbles Punch. Even the full force of Grumbles seemed to do nothing, however, as the robot didn't even give the slightest of mid-air wobbles. Grumbles landed hard on the ground next to Quincy, obviously injured from his assault.
"Quick Quincy, one more Mentos," Grumbles grunted out. Quincy immediately reached for this secret pocket again, but realized that it was all in vain, as the cat robot was about to step on the both of them. Suddenly, a rainbow streaked across the sky, did a quick turn and landed right in front of Quincy O'Snappers and Grumbles. Before Quincy's eyes could adjust, the robotic paw came crashing down. Miraculously, the rainbow seemed to be holding it back.
"QUINCY, THE MENTOS, HURRY!" Grumbles roared. Quincy regained his thoughts once again, and grabbed his last Mentos and gave it to Grumbles. The effect upon Grumbles was immediate, as he not only joined the mysterious rainbow figure, but proceeded to tear the entire leg off with his bare bear paws. He then jumped high into the air once again, knowing that this was his last shot, and gave the strongest Grumbles Punch he had ever delivered, straight to the central nuclear cortex of the robot, sending it flying into the atmosphere. He then came back down to the ground once again, this time sans the injuries.
"Thanks Lizard Man, I thought we were done for sure," the bear said gratefully as he patted the now not so mysterious rainbow figure. "Oh, and you already rescued Stacy? Good, that makes things a lot easier." At this, Quincy forcefully tore his eyes away from the sight of the Blood-Eyed Cat Robot, which was still flying into space, and turned around to see Stacy standing and beaming at him. Before he could think his actions through, he ran over to embrace and kiss her, not caring about the fact that she was married to a personal friend of his; that she was alive was all that mattered to him anymore. As they parted lips, Quincy O'Snappers looked directly into Stacy's eyes.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to do that."
"Quince, I'm sorry, but I can't," Stacy said as her eyes filled up with tears. "You're my best friend, and I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm married to Optimus, I've been fighting this whole time for him."
"Yeah, I know," Quincy said quietly with wave after wave of disappointment crashing against his heart.
"Hey, lovebirds," Grumbles said, half amused and half frustrated. "We have a world to save here, save the high school drama for later." Lizard Man and Grumbles then walked towards the staircase leading into the center of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's Volcano Lair, while Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers looked at each other for a few moments more. Stacy was the first to break eye contact as she followed the other two. Quincy remained behind for a few moments longer, wondering to himself if telling Stacy how he truly felt had been a good idea. Putting these thoughts aside, he ran after the others, eager to end these shenanigans.
Chapter 9: The Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn
“Back in 2008, there was a family known as the Reeds. They kept a most exotic pet; a four-foot iguana named Godzilla. They loved their pet, and the pet loved them back. As much as an iguana could, anyway. One day, Godzilla was left alone, and somehow made its way into the attic of the Reed household, probably in search of some goodies to chow down on. It was there that Godzilla ran into something that would change the lives of many generations to come: the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn.
“It’s not known how the Reed household obtained this; it’s possible that it had passed down through the years and they were, in fact, descendants of the titular Kubla-Kahn. Or their predecessors could have simply stolen it somewhere down the line. Regardless of how the family had found it, it was there in the attic when Godzilla found it.
“Upon laying her limb upon the pony, something happened. What exactly it was I couldn’t tell you, though Godzilla later described it to me as the knowledge of the entire universe rushing into her consciousness. This made the iguana self-aware, and she realized the power that this pony held. Knowing what kind of power this pony held, she knew she had to take it and keep it away from all humans, making sure it never fell into the wrong hands. The next chance she got, she bolted out the door with the Golden Pony in tow, and was never seen from by her beloved Reed family again.
“Godzilla hid in the forest for years, and eventually became to be a mother figure of all the animals found there. She was venerable and wise, and all knew that she was the most kind-hearted soul imaginable. One day, a baby was found, abandoned in the forest. Why negligent parents would just ditch a baby in the middle of the forest as opposed to simply taking it to an adoption agency is beyond me, but I digress. Godzilla knew that she was the only one that could take care of this child, and took the self-imposed challenge with stride.” At this, Stacy couldn’t help but asking a question.
“Was the baby…you?” Lizard Man gave a knowing smile accompanied by a nod and continued.
“Yes, it was I. Godzilla raised me as her own. I am quite human, despite my appearance, but because of her tutelage I gained many lizard-like abilities. I became stronger than three and a half bears, faster than an oiled up gazelle going down a set of stairs, and my legs made me a veritable jumpin’ jack flash. As I myself became older, I became the main protector of this forest and its animals, including my mother Godzilla.
“When I was in my late teens, I met your father-in-law, Voltron Murray, while he was on a camping trip with some friends in my forest. I watched them to make sure they didn’t cause any harm to the environment, but I soon saw that they were good people. However, there was another intruder that I was unaware of: Sasquatch. Sasquatch attacked Voltron and his friends, and while his chummies got away, Voltron decided to try and distract the Sasquatch. Before Sasquatch could land the killing strike on Voltron, I jumped in and karate kicked Sasquatch in the face, sending him running like a little girly Sasquatch.
“Voltron was very grateful, and he also surprisingly wasn’t scared of my presence. On the contrary, he ended up talking to me for hours about everything. I soon decided that this here was a man I could trust, and brought him to meet my mother. She too could sense his trustworthiness, and decided that he would be the first person aside from myself that she confided the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn too.
“Many more years went by much as the years before had gone. We forest dwellers heard of the rising power of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, but decided to not interfere with the problems of humans. It is a decision we soon learned to regret, however, as they came to invade our beloved forest home. My mother obviously could sense something, and told me that I was to protect the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn to and not to worry about her, no matter what happened. These ominous words stuck with me, but I knew better than to try and disagree with her, so I heeded them. Days later, the majority of the creatures inhabiting the forest were captured by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate to perform experiments on them. I watched with teary eyes as my mother was captured, and I never saw her again.
“The only survivor of this experimentation, as you might have guessed now, was Grumbles, and as he wandered his old forest home after years of incarceration, I found him and we two became close friends. We both swore that we would do anything we could to destroy the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, no matter what the cost to ourselves. Through spying and just plain sneakiness, we discovered that the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate had learned of my existence, and that I was guarding the pony. This is when both Grumbles and I met your grandpa Dustin, and I sent them off to deliver the pony to the only human I ever trusted – Voltron Murray.
“I kept in contact with Voltron while I was hiding from the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. He kept the secret well, sharing it only with his son and your husband, Optimus Murray, when he came of age. One night his house was broken into, and the pony stolen. Luckily it had not been by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, but by petty criminals who did not know of the power it held. It was sold on to the black market, and your husband, by request of Voltron, spent the better part of two years traveling the world and looking for it, eventually winning it at an auction a few years back.
“This, of course, leads us to the here and now, where the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate discovered the pony was in the possession of the in-laws, who then gave it to you to protect while they reaped the consequences in your stead, in the hopes of leading them off your trail. This, obviously, did not work for as long as they intended, as you’ve been followed from the beginning.
“But you need not fear anymore, because I have finally decided that I am going to take the fight directly to the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, with the help of both you, the Keeper of the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, Grumbles the bear, and your best friend, Quincy O’ Snappers. That is, if you want to help…”
“Of course I want to help; the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate are naughty, naughty people, and if we can take them out once and for all then I want to help.”
“Good; you are as brave as I could have hoped. Now, come: it’s time to get your friends back from the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate’s Volcano Mountain Lair of Doom."
“It’s not known how the Reed household obtained this; it’s possible that it had passed down through the years and they were, in fact, descendants of the titular Kubla-Kahn. Or their predecessors could have simply stolen it somewhere down the line. Regardless of how the family had found it, it was there in the attic when Godzilla found it.
“Upon laying her limb upon the pony, something happened. What exactly it was I couldn’t tell you, though Godzilla later described it to me as the knowledge of the entire universe rushing into her consciousness. This made the iguana self-aware, and she realized the power that this pony held. Knowing what kind of power this pony held, she knew she had to take it and keep it away from all humans, making sure it never fell into the wrong hands. The next chance she got, she bolted out the door with the Golden Pony in tow, and was never seen from by her beloved Reed family again.
“Godzilla hid in the forest for years, and eventually became to be a mother figure of all the animals found there. She was venerable and wise, and all knew that she was the most kind-hearted soul imaginable. One day, a baby was found, abandoned in the forest. Why negligent parents would just ditch a baby in the middle of the forest as opposed to simply taking it to an adoption agency is beyond me, but I digress. Godzilla knew that she was the only one that could take care of this child, and took the self-imposed challenge with stride.” At this, Stacy couldn’t help but asking a question.
“Was the baby…you?” Lizard Man gave a knowing smile accompanied by a nod and continued.
“Yes, it was I. Godzilla raised me as her own. I am quite human, despite my appearance, but because of her tutelage I gained many lizard-like abilities. I became stronger than three and a half bears, faster than an oiled up gazelle going down a set of stairs, and my legs made me a veritable jumpin’ jack flash. As I myself became older, I became the main protector of this forest and its animals, including my mother Godzilla.
“When I was in my late teens, I met your father-in-law, Voltron Murray, while he was on a camping trip with some friends in my forest. I watched them to make sure they didn’t cause any harm to the environment, but I soon saw that they were good people. However, there was another intruder that I was unaware of: Sasquatch. Sasquatch attacked Voltron and his friends, and while his chummies got away, Voltron decided to try and distract the Sasquatch. Before Sasquatch could land the killing strike on Voltron, I jumped in and karate kicked Sasquatch in the face, sending him running like a little girly Sasquatch.
“Voltron was very grateful, and he also surprisingly wasn’t scared of my presence. On the contrary, he ended up talking to me for hours about everything. I soon decided that this here was a man I could trust, and brought him to meet my mother. She too could sense his trustworthiness, and decided that he would be the first person aside from myself that she confided the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn too.
“Many more years went by much as the years before had gone. We forest dwellers heard of the rising power of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, but decided to not interfere with the problems of humans. It is a decision we soon learned to regret, however, as they came to invade our beloved forest home. My mother obviously could sense something, and told me that I was to protect the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn to and not to worry about her, no matter what happened. These ominous words stuck with me, but I knew better than to try and disagree with her, so I heeded them. Days later, the majority of the creatures inhabiting the forest were captured by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate to perform experiments on them. I watched with teary eyes as my mother was captured, and I never saw her again.
“The only survivor of this experimentation, as you might have guessed now, was Grumbles, and as he wandered his old forest home after years of incarceration, I found him and we two became close friends. We both swore that we would do anything we could to destroy the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, no matter what the cost to ourselves. Through spying and just plain sneakiness, we discovered that the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate had learned of my existence, and that I was guarding the pony. This is when both Grumbles and I met your grandpa Dustin, and I sent them off to deliver the pony to the only human I ever trusted – Voltron Murray.
“I kept in contact with Voltron while I was hiding from the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. He kept the secret well, sharing it only with his son and your husband, Optimus Murray, when he came of age. One night his house was broken into, and the pony stolen. Luckily it had not been by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, but by petty criminals who did not know of the power it held. It was sold on to the black market, and your husband, by request of Voltron, spent the better part of two years traveling the world and looking for it, eventually winning it at an auction a few years back.
“This, of course, leads us to the here and now, where the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate discovered the pony was in the possession of the in-laws, who then gave it to you to protect while they reaped the consequences in your stead, in the hopes of leading them off your trail. This, obviously, did not work for as long as they intended, as you’ve been followed from the beginning.
“But you need not fear anymore, because I have finally decided that I am going to take the fight directly to the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, with the help of both you, the Keeper of the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, Grumbles the bear, and your best friend, Quincy O’ Snappers. That is, if you want to help…”
“Of course I want to help; the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate are naughty, naughty people, and if we can take them out once and for all then I want to help.”
“Good; you are as brave as I could have hoped. Now, come: it’s time to get your friends back from the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate’s Volcano Mountain Lair of Doom."
Chapter 8: Lizard Man Strikes Back
Stacy was forced to lie down in the back of the van, hands tied and mouth gagged. Two Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate members guarded her, though this was quite unnecessary: it was quite clear there would be no escape for Stacy this time.
As the van got closer and closer to whatever final destination it was headed towards, Stacy couldn’t help but panic. Her panic wasn’t even for herself, however; she kept thinking about what the fate of Quincy O’Snappers and Grumbles would be. Grumbles had sacrificed himself to the molten cheese to save her, and Quincy, her best friend for almost her entire life, had tried in vain to save her and failed. It was all her fault; she had put those two in danger, all because of the promise she made to her husband Optimus that she would guard the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn that he had won at an auction a few years back. He had told her that it was of the utmost importance that it be kept from the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, but when questioned as to why, he admitted that he didn’t know, it was just what his father Voltron had told him, and he suspected that even the venerable and wise Voltron didn’t know the true purpose of the pony either.
If only someone, anyone, could have told her what the pony was truly for; Lizard Man had been in possession of it before Voltron, according to grandpa Dustin, so why couldn’t he have told her what powers this glorious marvel held when he had rescued her just the night before? It seemed to Stacy that everyone was trying to keep information held from her, when that was truly all she wanted. Why was everyone hiding things from her? Before she could continue this inner emotional monologue, the men guarding her started to speak to one another.
“You know, we’ve been given permission to administer the tickle torture,” the first said with a wry smile.
“Eh, do what you want,” the second said with apathy. “I like my girlish giggles like I like my sugar cane: Puerto Rican.”
“Suit yourself,” the first man replied as he pulled out a feather duster and removed Stacy’s shoe and sock. Before he had a chance to apply the dreadful tickle torture to Stacy’s delicate feet, however, a loud banging was heard on top of the van. All three looked up, and suddenly, without warning, a hand punched through the roof, followed by a second, and then both worked in tandem and pulled the roof clean off. Immediately following this crazy turn of events, Lizard Man dropped right into the pow-wow.
“That’s no way to treat a young lady,” he said in his trademark beautiful voice. While the would-be tickle torturer was dazed by the wonderful voice, Lizard Man grabbed him by the shirt collar and tossed him out of the van, via the new sun roof. In a single fluid motion, Lizard Man then cut the ropes binding Stacy and removed the gag.
“Thank you, Lizard Man,” Stacy was barely able to whisper. “I-I don’t know what I would do without you...”
“Don’t thank me until we’re out of this one, ma’am,” Lizard Man replied. “We’ve still got to save your buddies back there.”
“Wait, you mean you didn’t save them first!? But there’s no chance we have of saving them now…”
“Anything’s possible with Lizard Man around, lady. Trust me.” As he said this, he looked Stacy directly in the eye, and at that moment, combined with that lovely voice, Stacy knew that there was no one in the world more capable for this kind of situation than Lizard Man.
“What makes you think you’re getting away?” the other Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate member asked, just coming out of his stupor. He was now holding a bazooka in his hands. “I’ve been ordered that you’re to die rather than escape again.”
“I hope you can fly then,” Lizard Man said with boredom in his voice. Then, with the speed that only a lizard could hope to emulate, he pulled a bag of skittles out of his pocket, quickly put a handful in his mouth, and blasted off into the sky with Stacy in tow, leaving behind only a rainbow aura trail and a scathing remark of “Taste the Rainbow, sucka.”
The Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate member, instead of even trying to fire at the flying Lizard Man with his bazooka, instead dropped it to the ground. In fact, he did taste the rainbow at this moment. In a sudden rush of knowledge, he realized everything he had done wrong with his life. Joining the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate was bad, sure, but his life had made a turn for the worse all the way back in high school when he had first started snorting Pixie Stix, in a hopeless attempt at looking cool in front of the girls. When this had failed, he started his life of crime, in the hopes that he would one day become a famous cat-burglar and steal the Ruby of the Sailing Phoenix, and then meet a hot cat burglar wife and live out the rest of their days on a cabin down by the sea side. In his heart the man knew it had always been a silly plan, but he couldn’t help but try to hold on to this one hope.
“Thank you, Lizard Man,” the newly rejuvenated man whispered into the night amidst a flurry of tears. “Thank you for giving me my life back. You are the man.”
Many miles away, Lizard Man and Stacy finally landed in the forest where they had first met and this crazy story first started. Lizard Man gently let Stacy down, fully knowing that flying on a rainbow aura for the first time can be a bit crazy. After she finally settled down, she let out.
“Why are we here!? We need to go and save Quincy and Mr. Grumbles!”
“There will be plenty of time for that soon enough, Stacy. They are in no immediate danger at the time being. But I want to now take the time to explain everything to you.”
“Everything?” Stacy asked doubtfully.
“Everything that you and your friends and family have risked your life for for generations now.” Lizard Man then took a seat on a stump, and sighed like a man much older in years than Stacy had expected.
“Now prepare to have your mind blown,” Lizard Man said.
As the van got closer and closer to whatever final destination it was headed towards, Stacy couldn’t help but panic. Her panic wasn’t even for herself, however; she kept thinking about what the fate of Quincy O’Snappers and Grumbles would be. Grumbles had sacrificed himself to the molten cheese to save her, and Quincy, her best friend for almost her entire life, had tried in vain to save her and failed. It was all her fault; she had put those two in danger, all because of the promise she made to her husband Optimus that she would guard the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn that he had won at an auction a few years back. He had told her that it was of the utmost importance that it be kept from the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, but when questioned as to why, he admitted that he didn’t know, it was just what his father Voltron had told him, and he suspected that even the venerable and wise Voltron didn’t know the true purpose of the pony either.
If only someone, anyone, could have told her what the pony was truly for; Lizard Man had been in possession of it before Voltron, according to grandpa Dustin, so why couldn’t he have told her what powers this glorious marvel held when he had rescued her just the night before? It seemed to Stacy that everyone was trying to keep information held from her, when that was truly all she wanted. Why was everyone hiding things from her? Before she could continue this inner emotional monologue, the men guarding her started to speak to one another.
“You know, we’ve been given permission to administer the tickle torture,” the first said with a wry smile.
“Eh, do what you want,” the second said with apathy. “I like my girlish giggles like I like my sugar cane: Puerto Rican.”
“Suit yourself,” the first man replied as he pulled out a feather duster and removed Stacy’s shoe and sock. Before he had a chance to apply the dreadful tickle torture to Stacy’s delicate feet, however, a loud banging was heard on top of the van. All three looked up, and suddenly, without warning, a hand punched through the roof, followed by a second, and then both worked in tandem and pulled the roof clean off. Immediately following this crazy turn of events, Lizard Man dropped right into the pow-wow.
“That’s no way to treat a young lady,” he said in his trademark beautiful voice. While the would-be tickle torturer was dazed by the wonderful voice, Lizard Man grabbed him by the shirt collar and tossed him out of the van, via the new sun roof. In a single fluid motion, Lizard Man then cut the ropes binding Stacy and removed the gag.
“Thank you, Lizard Man,” Stacy was barely able to whisper. “I-I don’t know what I would do without you...”
“Don’t thank me until we’re out of this one, ma’am,” Lizard Man replied. “We’ve still got to save your buddies back there.”
“Wait, you mean you didn’t save them first!? But there’s no chance we have of saving them now…”
“Anything’s possible with Lizard Man around, lady. Trust me.” As he said this, he looked Stacy directly in the eye, and at that moment, combined with that lovely voice, Stacy knew that there was no one in the world more capable for this kind of situation than Lizard Man.
“What makes you think you’re getting away?” the other Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate member asked, just coming out of his stupor. He was now holding a bazooka in his hands. “I’ve been ordered that you’re to die rather than escape again.”
“I hope you can fly then,” Lizard Man said with boredom in his voice. Then, with the speed that only a lizard could hope to emulate, he pulled a bag of skittles out of his pocket, quickly put a handful in his mouth, and blasted off into the sky with Stacy in tow, leaving behind only a rainbow aura trail and a scathing remark of “Taste the Rainbow, sucka.”
The Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate member, instead of even trying to fire at the flying Lizard Man with his bazooka, instead dropped it to the ground. In fact, he did taste the rainbow at this moment. In a sudden rush of knowledge, he realized everything he had done wrong with his life. Joining the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate was bad, sure, but his life had made a turn for the worse all the way back in high school when he had first started snorting Pixie Stix, in a hopeless attempt at looking cool in front of the girls. When this had failed, he started his life of crime, in the hopes that he would one day become a famous cat-burglar and steal the Ruby of the Sailing Phoenix, and then meet a hot cat burglar wife and live out the rest of their days on a cabin down by the sea side. In his heart the man knew it had always been a silly plan, but he couldn’t help but try to hold on to this one hope.
“Thank you, Lizard Man,” the newly rejuvenated man whispered into the night amidst a flurry of tears. “Thank you for giving me my life back. You are the man.”
Many miles away, Lizard Man and Stacy finally landed in the forest where they had first met and this crazy story first started. Lizard Man gently let Stacy down, fully knowing that flying on a rainbow aura for the first time can be a bit crazy. After she finally settled down, she let out.
“Why are we here!? We need to go and save Quincy and Mr. Grumbles!”
“There will be plenty of time for that soon enough, Stacy. They are in no immediate danger at the time being. But I want to now take the time to explain everything to you.”
“Everything?” Stacy asked doubtfully.
“Everything that you and your friends and family have risked your life for for generations now.” Lizard Man then took a seat on a stump, and sighed like a man much older in years than Stacy had expected.
“Now prepare to have your mind blown,” Lizard Man said.
Chapter 7: Voltron's Super Secret Sour Stowaway Stash
"This place is icky," Stacy said with contempt for the sewers. "How much longer, Mr. Grumbles?" The bear considered for a moment, and then stopped dead in his tracks.
"If my calculations are correct, my dear, it looks like we're here!" the bear said with relish in his voice. He then pointed towards a long ladder leading upwards. Stacy, eager to get away from the foul stench of the sewer, ran forward, but Quincy held her back.
"Don't you think one of us ought to go up first?" he asked. "You know, for safety purposes and the like."
"I concur," Grumbles concur'd. "I would be honored to go up first. Stacy, you stay behind me, and Quincy my lad, you shall be the caboose in this bear-woman-man train." And at this, Grumbles leapt forward and started climbing.
The trio climbed the ladder for what felt like an eternity and in a thick mix of darkness and stinky, stinky sewer smells. All the while, Quincy tried to calm both himself and the others by singing Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. He wasn't sure what brought it on; maybe being in the sewers reminded him of Ninja Turtles 3, or maybe he realized that singing the song while hanging out with a beast as magnificent as Grumbles was the only time it was truly appropriate, or maybe it was just his secret love for the song bursting to the surface of his conflicted soul. Regardless of the reason, when he got to "Jungle Life, you're far away from nothing, it's all right, you won't miss home, take a chance, leave everything behind you, come and join me, won't be sorry, it's easy to survive", he sang it so passionately that it brought a tear to the eyes of both Stacy and Grumbles.
At last they reached the top. Grumbles lifted the manhole, and the three clambered out unceremoniously and looked around. The blood red sun was just sinking into the sky, and indeed, it was a picturesque sight to behold, especially when a bear and two humans climbing out of a sewer were added to the landscape.
"Well guys, we're here," Grumbles said. "So what's the plan now?"
"I need to check my father-in-law's house," Stacy said immediately. "I need to know if he's all right."
"And I need to go to my house for something really fast," Quincy added. "I live three doors down, it ain't no biggie." Grumbles nodded.
"All right. Then I'll stay and guard Stacy while you go about your business, Quincy. Meet us there, and then we'll figure out what to do next." The three nodded, and Stacy and Grumbles went off to Voltron Murray's house while Quincy ran off to his own abode.
The team of Stacy and Grumbles made it to Voltron's house, but even from the outside Stacy could see that it was empty. Worse than empty, if anything; there seemed to be signs of a struggle, and a window in the upstairs was broken. Regardless, Stacy knew what she had to do, and opened the unlocked and unhinged door. She and Grumbles walked inside, and the signs of some kind of battle were reinforced there; chairs were knocked down, tea tables were upturned, and Voltron's beloved collection of miniature equine statuettes (Voltron being a huge equine aficionado) were all higgledy piggledy. Stacy was saddened to see a house she had such fond feelings towards in disarray, but she pressed onwards still, to the destination of the real reason she had come.
On the second floor, she took the first door on the right, which was Voltron's room. This room seemed to have taken the most damage of all the rooms the two had seen, no doubt the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate looking for the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn. They couldn't have done too well of a job, however, because Stacy walked over to the phone and dialed the numbers 867-5309, and the wall opened up to reveal a metallic door that lacked a handle or knob of any sort, but had some kind of microphone off to the side of it. Stacy knowingly walked up to the microphone and said, clearly and audibly, "Spider-Man 3 was a good movie. Sure, it didn't have anything on Spider-Man 2, but on the flipside, what movie really does anyway? Also, the scene with emo Peter Park pelvic thrusting at two random women in the street totally made up for any shortcomings the movie may have had."
Immediately upon finishing this oh so true password, the door opened to reveal another room. Stacy and Grumbles both gasped in amazement, for the entire room was filled, top to bottom, with bags of Sour Patch Watermelons. Stacy grabbed a bag, just to check to make sure they were real, and started shaking with tears. Her father-in-law knew her all too well; Sour Patch Watermelons were her favorite candies, a fact she had only mentioned to the kind man once in passing. That he had remembered such a statement and had not only thought of her enough to prepare this surprise, but to make sure she knew about it even in the danger of being kidnapped by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, truly moved her, as it should any and everybody.
All of a sudden an explosion rocked the casbah, as Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate special operatives started coming in through the ceiling. Stacy shrieked and covered her head, while Grumbles let out an angry bear roar and began to rip and tear. Stacy could hear the destruction as Grumbles began to rampage through the group of men. She took a quick glance, only to see the bear punch one of the men right through the wall and outside, with a yell of "GRUMBLES PUUUUUUUUUUNCH" accompanying the motion. Grumbles then proceeded to finish the rest of the group of with various karate bear attacks.
"STACY, LET'S GET THE GRUMBLES OUT OF HERE!" he yelled, holding absolutely nothing back. Stacy started to run for the door, but Grumbles grabbed her, picked her up and instead kicked the floor in, sending the entire upper floor crashing on top of the rest of the operatives that were stationed on the first floor. Still protecting Stacy, Grumbles ran out of the debris and headed for the manhole. Before they could reach their destination, a helicopter flew above head and dropped a giant vat of boiling cheese. Grumbles, realizing what was happening, tossed Stacy as far as he could away from the cheese, saving her from the deliciousness of this trap, but getting himself stuck and burned in its unbelievable goodness.
Stacy tried to get up, but before she could, she was picked up by more Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate members and thrown into the back of a van. At this point, Quincy O'Snappers was done burning his CD, and came out of his house just in time to see it all happening. He rushed forward in a foolish attempt to try and stop them, but was knocked down immediately.
"To be strong is what you wish, yet you went down like a fish," the same sing-songy fellow from the beginning of the story rattled off. The van with Stacy in the back then drove off, leaving behind a helpless Grumbles and unconscious Quincy O'Snappers.
"If my calculations are correct, my dear, it looks like we're here!" the bear said with relish in his voice. He then pointed towards a long ladder leading upwards. Stacy, eager to get away from the foul stench of the sewer, ran forward, but Quincy held her back.
"Don't you think one of us ought to go up first?" he asked. "You know, for safety purposes and the like."
"I concur," Grumbles concur'd. "I would be honored to go up first. Stacy, you stay behind me, and Quincy my lad, you shall be the caboose in this bear-woman-man train." And at this, Grumbles leapt forward and started climbing.
The trio climbed the ladder for what felt like an eternity and in a thick mix of darkness and stinky, stinky sewer smells. All the while, Quincy tried to calm both himself and the others by singing Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. He wasn't sure what brought it on; maybe being in the sewers reminded him of Ninja Turtles 3, or maybe he realized that singing the song while hanging out with a beast as magnificent as Grumbles was the only time it was truly appropriate, or maybe it was just his secret love for the song bursting to the surface of his conflicted soul. Regardless of the reason, when he got to "Jungle Life, you're far away from nothing, it's all right, you won't miss home, take a chance, leave everything behind you, come and join me, won't be sorry, it's easy to survive", he sang it so passionately that it brought a tear to the eyes of both Stacy and Grumbles.
At last they reached the top. Grumbles lifted the manhole, and the three clambered out unceremoniously and looked around. The blood red sun was just sinking into the sky, and indeed, it was a picturesque sight to behold, especially when a bear and two humans climbing out of a sewer were added to the landscape.
"Well guys, we're here," Grumbles said. "So what's the plan now?"
"I need to check my father-in-law's house," Stacy said immediately. "I need to know if he's all right."
"And I need to go to my house for something really fast," Quincy added. "I live three doors down, it ain't no biggie." Grumbles nodded.
"All right. Then I'll stay and guard Stacy while you go about your business, Quincy. Meet us there, and then we'll figure out what to do next." The three nodded, and Stacy and Grumbles went off to Voltron Murray's house while Quincy ran off to his own abode.
The team of Stacy and Grumbles made it to Voltron's house, but even from the outside Stacy could see that it was empty. Worse than empty, if anything; there seemed to be signs of a struggle, and a window in the upstairs was broken. Regardless, Stacy knew what she had to do, and opened the unlocked and unhinged door. She and Grumbles walked inside, and the signs of some kind of battle were reinforced there; chairs were knocked down, tea tables were upturned, and Voltron's beloved collection of miniature equine statuettes (Voltron being a huge equine aficionado) were all higgledy piggledy. Stacy was saddened to see a house she had such fond feelings towards in disarray, but she pressed onwards still, to the destination of the real reason she had come.
On the second floor, she took the first door on the right, which was Voltron's room. This room seemed to have taken the most damage of all the rooms the two had seen, no doubt the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate looking for the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn. They couldn't have done too well of a job, however, because Stacy walked over to the phone and dialed the numbers 867-5309, and the wall opened up to reveal a metallic door that lacked a handle or knob of any sort, but had some kind of microphone off to the side of it. Stacy knowingly walked up to the microphone and said, clearly and audibly, "Spider-Man 3 was a good movie. Sure, it didn't have anything on Spider-Man 2, but on the flipside, what movie really does anyway? Also, the scene with emo Peter Park pelvic thrusting at two random women in the street totally made up for any shortcomings the movie may have had."
Immediately upon finishing this oh so true password, the door opened to reveal another room. Stacy and Grumbles both gasped in amazement, for the entire room was filled, top to bottom, with bags of Sour Patch Watermelons. Stacy grabbed a bag, just to check to make sure they were real, and started shaking with tears. Her father-in-law knew her all too well; Sour Patch Watermelons were her favorite candies, a fact she had only mentioned to the kind man once in passing. That he had remembered such a statement and had not only thought of her enough to prepare this surprise, but to make sure she knew about it even in the danger of being kidnapped by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, truly moved her, as it should any and everybody.
All of a sudden an explosion rocked the casbah, as Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate special operatives started coming in through the ceiling. Stacy shrieked and covered her head, while Grumbles let out an angry bear roar and began to rip and tear. Stacy could hear the destruction as Grumbles began to rampage through the group of men. She took a quick glance, only to see the bear punch one of the men right through the wall and outside, with a yell of "GRUMBLES PUUUUUUUUUUNCH" accompanying the motion. Grumbles then proceeded to finish the rest of the group of with various karate bear attacks.
"STACY, LET'S GET THE GRUMBLES OUT OF HERE!" he yelled, holding absolutely nothing back. Stacy started to run for the door, but Grumbles grabbed her, picked her up and instead kicked the floor in, sending the entire upper floor crashing on top of the rest of the operatives that were stationed on the first floor. Still protecting Stacy, Grumbles ran out of the debris and headed for the manhole. Before they could reach their destination, a helicopter flew above head and dropped a giant vat of boiling cheese. Grumbles, realizing what was happening, tossed Stacy as far as he could away from the cheese, saving her from the deliciousness of this trap, but getting himself stuck and burned in its unbelievable goodness.
Stacy tried to get up, but before she could, she was picked up by more Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate members and thrown into the back of a van. At this point, Quincy O'Snappers was done burning his CD, and came out of his house just in time to see it all happening. He rushed forward in a foolish attempt to try and stop them, but was knocked down immediately.
"To be strong is what you wish, yet you went down like a fish," the same sing-songy fellow from the beginning of the story rattled off. The van with Stacy in the back then drove off, leaving behind a helpless Grumbles and unconscious Quincy O'Snappers.
Chapter 6: Gloomy Charles Goomy
The complete and utter darkness surrounded Charles Goomy. It was so dark that he himself didn't know if he still existed or was just a collection of disembodied thoughts floating throughout the natural universe. Soon, however, he felt a coldness from deep within him, and remembered himself. He then knew that he had a job to do. An entire group of people to command, at that. The first step was always the hardest; Charles felt comfortable in his secluded darkness, and dreaded the pain that he knew had to come from letting light in by opening his remaining eye. However, he knew that one did not come to be the creator and leader of an organization such as the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate by shying away from pain, no matter how unbearable, and with these thoughts comforting his ego, he slowly opened his eye and took in his never-changing surroundings.
"Mahogany..." Charles was barely able to let out. "Mahogany...where is the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn..." A woman of only 45, but who looked much older and had much hatred in her eyes, turned around in response to the weak mutterings.
"Oooooh, Charles, dear," Mahogany responded. "I didn't realize it was time for you to be up."
"It must be nice," Charles responded bitterly. "Nice to not be forced to keep track of time out of sheer boredom. Nice to actually be able to move around. Nice to be able to leave this room. Nice to have an actual body. Nice to not be just a brain trapped within a gumball machine."
"Now now Charles," Mahogany responded with obviously forced sweetness. "We'll have that pony soon, and then you'll be alllllllll better. Mmkay, sweet 'ums?" Charles stayed quiet for a few minutes, pondering. At length he decided to finally put into words a question that had been bothering him for sometime.
"Is that brat nephew of yours still the Keeper?"
"And what would that have to do with anything?" Mahogany asked, no faux sweetness in her voice this time.
"I think you are conspiring against both I and the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, and the reason you have failed to get me the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn for all these years is because you still have a certain fondness for your family. How both your father and your brother were able to get into my personal chamber during their assault almost 30 years ago has remained a mystery to all parties, and how your brother was somehow able to survive my freaking sweet robot cougars is an even greater mystery. Granted, your fool of a father was mauled, but just how the rest of your family has avoided our capture all these years is beyond me. So, give me one reason why I shouldn't have you killed, Mahogany."
"You question my loyalty, Charles?" Mahogany asked with a burning fury in her voice. "I, one of the few who have stood by your side from the beginning, who left the comfort of my cushy family to live with a man who I knew married me just to get information from me in the hopes of killing my father and brother? You ask why they have evaded our capture all these years? Well it just so happens that we've captured not only Optimus, but my brother Voltron as well. Oh yes, Charles, I've given them the tickle torture myself; I care not for these fools or any of my other so called 'family.' They were dead to me the moment I grew wise enough to realize that they named me Mahogany."
"Mahogany...I am...so sorry that I doubted you, even for an instant. I should have known that someone like you wouldn't have even the slightest shred of compassion for impassioned, ignorant fools such as them. Do you forgive me, Mahogany?"
Mahogany nodded, and then continued. "You will do well to know, Charles, that we believe we have found Stacy Powell. If all goes well, we shall have that pony by tomorrow. Now, go to sleep, Charles; I will wake you when there is good news for you."
Charles Goomy didn't need to be told twice, as this discussion with his wife had taken up most of his strength. He closed his remaining eye, and once again accepted the sweet embrace of sleep.
"Mahogany..." Charles was barely able to let out. "Mahogany...where is the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn..." A woman of only 45, but who looked much older and had much hatred in her eyes, turned around in response to the weak mutterings.
"Oooooh, Charles, dear," Mahogany responded. "I didn't realize it was time for you to be up."
"It must be nice," Charles responded bitterly. "Nice to not be forced to keep track of time out of sheer boredom. Nice to actually be able to move around. Nice to be able to leave this room. Nice to have an actual body. Nice to not be just a brain trapped within a gumball machine."
"Now now Charles," Mahogany responded with obviously forced sweetness. "We'll have that pony soon, and then you'll be alllllllll better. Mmkay, sweet 'ums?" Charles stayed quiet for a few minutes, pondering. At length he decided to finally put into words a question that had been bothering him for sometime.
"Is that brat nephew of yours still the Keeper?"
"And what would that have to do with anything?" Mahogany asked, no faux sweetness in her voice this time.
"I think you are conspiring against both I and the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, and the reason you have failed to get me the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn for all these years is because you still have a certain fondness for your family. How both your father and your brother were able to get into my personal chamber during their assault almost 30 years ago has remained a mystery to all parties, and how your brother was somehow able to survive my freaking sweet robot cougars is an even greater mystery. Granted, your fool of a father was mauled, but just how the rest of your family has avoided our capture all these years is beyond me. So, give me one reason why I shouldn't have you killed, Mahogany."
"You question my loyalty, Charles?" Mahogany asked with a burning fury in her voice. "I, one of the few who have stood by your side from the beginning, who left the comfort of my cushy family to live with a man who I knew married me just to get information from me in the hopes of killing my father and brother? You ask why they have evaded our capture all these years? Well it just so happens that we've captured not only Optimus, but my brother Voltron as well. Oh yes, Charles, I've given them the tickle torture myself; I care not for these fools or any of my other so called 'family.' They were dead to me the moment I grew wise enough to realize that they named me Mahogany."
"Mahogany...I am...so sorry that I doubted you, even for an instant. I should have known that someone like you wouldn't have even the slightest shred of compassion for impassioned, ignorant fools such as them. Do you forgive me, Mahogany?"
Mahogany nodded, and then continued. "You will do well to know, Charles, that we believe we have found Stacy Powell. If all goes well, we shall have that pony by tomorrow. Now, go to sleep, Charles; I will wake you when there is good news for you."
Charles Goomy didn't need to be told twice, as this discussion with his wife had taken up most of his strength. He closed his remaining eye, and once again accepted the sweet embrace of sleep.
Chapter 5: Grumbles
Stacy let out a shriek at the sight of the talking bear. In response, the bear roared an even louder “GRRRRRRRRUUUMBLES!” Quincy O’Snappers, not wanting this vicious cycle of screaming to continue, demanded silence. Stacy and the bear both complied, although they continued to eye each other most suspiciously.
“Stace, this is the Grumbles your grandpa was talking about,” he said. “You’ve been out for a couple hours, and I’ve been talking to him for a while.”
“So now there’s a talking bear thrown into the mix?” Stacy asked.
“Excuse me, miss,” Grumbles began irritably. “I am not merely a talking bear. You shouldn’t judge people based on appearance alone; I’d have thought the granddaughter of the noble and wise Dustin Powell would have learned this lesson long ago.”
“Well excuuuuuuuse me, Grumbles,” Stacy said angrily. “I’m just not used to being roared at and then given a lesson in politeness by a talking bear.” At this, Grumbles gave a chuckle, obviously greatly amused by this predicament.
“My dear Stacy, I was merely yankin’ your chain. I understand the situation completely; in your mental absence your friend Quincy here explained to me all that has happened. If the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate is your enemy, then I will protect you with all I have in me. GRRRRRRUUUUMBLES!” the bear ended dramatically.
“Awww, thanks Mr. Grumbles,” Stacy said. “You’re a pretty cute talking bear when you’re not screaming. So what’s our next plan of action, then?”
“Well my lady, I would advise that we stay here until morning; traveling through the sewers at this hour, what with all the mutant alligators and the like, is quite dangerous, even for a talking bear. Until then, I would be glad to share my succulent honey with the both of you.”
The friends agreed to the proposition of Grumbles the bear, and for the first time in days were finally able to relax. Grumbles proved to not only be a talking bear of great eloquence, but a freakin’ funny bear as well. He told many a joke, all of which had great punchlines that he created during his spare time in the sewers. The greatest of which was a joke about a Turkish massage owl eating ice cream from the hands of a Cyclops. It’s too raunchy to be repeated in this here story, but rest assured, it was a veritable knee-slapper.
After hours of exchanging jokes, Stacy finally got around to the obvious question that everyone in the universe had to have been wondering:
“So what’s up with the fact that you’re a talking bear?” she asked. Grumbles’ attitude became instantly somber and sad as he looked down into his honey pot. A sniffling was heard, and as Grumbles looked back up into the eyes of Stacy, a lone tear went down the bear’s furry, furry cheek. Quincy grasped the bear’s shoulder, in an obvious attempt to be his bro, and Grumbles responded to this positively.
“Years ago, I was just your average bear, stealing pick-a-nick baskets all willy nilly like. It was the life. When the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate came into power, they built a research station close to my forest home. My fuzzy woodland critter friends and I tried to revolt, but we were all captured.
“While in their grasp, they started to perform experiments on us. I watched as all my squirrel, raccoon, rabbit, and blue-footed booby friends succumbed to the abuse of these horrible scientists. I am not sure how I survived; I think it was through sheer force of will. Normally not even that would be enough, but bearing in mind that I’m a bear, it must have been enough. With each of my friend’s deaths, both my anger and sorrow grew and grew.
“Months went by, and I was the only one left. After seeing my resilience, they started testing more and more crazy chemicals on me. One day, when they were going to give me a shot, I screamed out a ‘NOOOOOOOOOO, GRRRUUUUUMBLES!’ The scientists were amazed at this predicament, and immediately took me into a different section of the facility to do more research on me.
“The scientists in this new section of the lab were very kind to me. They treated me with more honey than I could ever dream of eating, every single day. And, even better than the honey, when I displayed good behavior, they rewarded me with Pokemon Cards. My first pack of cards contained a holographic Snorlax, a bear Pokemon who only wanted to eat and sleep, yet was captured by thoughtless humans and forced to fight other creatures. I greatly sympathized with Snorlax’s plight, and through that magnificent bear I fell in love with Pokemon.
“I became addicted. I soon had more cards than any of the scientist’s children, and most of them were holographics that I obtained through wise trades. My Mewtwo, Blastoise, Alakazam, Poliwrath, Aerodactyl, Vaporeon, Venusaur, Mr. Mime (oh how I loved Mr. Mime and his awkward clown shoes!)...I was unstoppable. The one card that I was always missing, however, was Charizard.
“Years went by in this manner, but no Charizard. One day I was given a pack of cards for reading the entirety of A Tale of Two Cities in two hours, and after I opened it and perused through the cards, I suddenly dropped them all with a gasp. The scientists all noticed and turned around, worried that something had happened. And then they saw what I saw: Charizard, shooting out a freakin’ flamethrower. My life had finally found meaning again.
“That night I was barely able to sleep, I was so excited for my discovery. I tossed and turned all night, and woke up numerous times. In the early hours of the morning, I heard a scientist enter my chambers, but I tried to go back to sleep. Instead of coming over and checking up on me, however, I heard him start to go through my desk drawer. I wondered what he could possibly be doing, when I realized what was happening: he was stealing my Charizard.
“I leapt out of bed in a fury, but alas, he had already grabbed my beloved flying lizard and had ran out of the room and locked the door. I was furious – there was no justice in the world, and I wanted to see, nay, feel its blood on my paws. Once again through sheer force of my bear will, I ripped the door off its hinges and proceeded to massacre the entire facility. I eventually made my way down to the generator room, and took a huge bite out of the nuclear reactor. I escaped with not a second to spare as the entire building exploded.
“I walked through the ashes and debris of the building, looking in vain for my Charizard. Instead, I found the card that started it all: Snorlax. I picked it up and once again found my will to live. I knew that I had to live to start my Pokemon Card collection over once again. And that I did.”
At this, Grumbles pointed to a safe. Stacy and Quincy O’Snappers glanced at each other nervously, realizing they were hanging out with a talking bear obsessed with Pokemon cards. Grumbles either ignored or was entirely oblivious to the duo's wariness and asked:
"What's our itinerary? Where are we headed?"
“Stace, this is the Grumbles your grandpa was talking about,” he said. “You’ve been out for a couple hours, and I’ve been talking to him for a while.”
“So now there’s a talking bear thrown into the mix?” Stacy asked.
“Excuse me, miss,” Grumbles began irritably. “I am not merely a talking bear. You shouldn’t judge people based on appearance alone; I’d have thought the granddaughter of the noble and wise Dustin Powell would have learned this lesson long ago.”
“Well excuuuuuuuse me, Grumbles,” Stacy said angrily. “I’m just not used to being roared at and then given a lesson in politeness by a talking bear.” At this, Grumbles gave a chuckle, obviously greatly amused by this predicament.
“My dear Stacy, I was merely yankin’ your chain. I understand the situation completely; in your mental absence your friend Quincy here explained to me all that has happened. If the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate is your enemy, then I will protect you with all I have in me. GRRRRRRUUUUMBLES!” the bear ended dramatically.
“Awww, thanks Mr. Grumbles,” Stacy said. “You’re a pretty cute talking bear when you’re not screaming. So what’s our next plan of action, then?”
“Well my lady, I would advise that we stay here until morning; traveling through the sewers at this hour, what with all the mutant alligators and the like, is quite dangerous, even for a talking bear. Until then, I would be glad to share my succulent honey with the both of you.”
The friends agreed to the proposition of Grumbles the bear, and for the first time in days were finally able to relax. Grumbles proved to not only be a talking bear of great eloquence, but a freakin’ funny bear as well. He told many a joke, all of which had great punchlines that he created during his spare time in the sewers. The greatest of which was a joke about a Turkish massage owl eating ice cream from the hands of a Cyclops. It’s too raunchy to be repeated in this here story, but rest assured, it was a veritable knee-slapper.
After hours of exchanging jokes, Stacy finally got around to the obvious question that everyone in the universe had to have been wondering:
“So what’s up with the fact that you’re a talking bear?” she asked. Grumbles’ attitude became instantly somber and sad as he looked down into his honey pot. A sniffling was heard, and as Grumbles looked back up into the eyes of Stacy, a lone tear went down the bear’s furry, furry cheek. Quincy grasped the bear’s shoulder, in an obvious attempt to be his bro, and Grumbles responded to this positively.
“Years ago, I was just your average bear, stealing pick-a-nick baskets all willy nilly like. It was the life. When the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate came into power, they built a research station close to my forest home. My fuzzy woodland critter friends and I tried to revolt, but we were all captured.
“While in their grasp, they started to perform experiments on us. I watched as all my squirrel, raccoon, rabbit, and blue-footed booby friends succumbed to the abuse of these horrible scientists. I am not sure how I survived; I think it was through sheer force of will. Normally not even that would be enough, but bearing in mind that I’m a bear, it must have been enough. With each of my friend’s deaths, both my anger and sorrow grew and grew.
“Months went by, and I was the only one left. After seeing my resilience, they started testing more and more crazy chemicals on me. One day, when they were going to give me a shot, I screamed out a ‘NOOOOOOOOOO, GRRRUUUUUMBLES!’ The scientists were amazed at this predicament, and immediately took me into a different section of the facility to do more research on me.
“The scientists in this new section of the lab were very kind to me. They treated me with more honey than I could ever dream of eating, every single day. And, even better than the honey, when I displayed good behavior, they rewarded me with Pokemon Cards. My first pack of cards contained a holographic Snorlax, a bear Pokemon who only wanted to eat and sleep, yet was captured by thoughtless humans and forced to fight other creatures. I greatly sympathized with Snorlax’s plight, and through that magnificent bear I fell in love with Pokemon.
“I became addicted. I soon had more cards than any of the scientist’s children, and most of them were holographics that I obtained through wise trades. My Mewtwo, Blastoise, Alakazam, Poliwrath, Aerodactyl, Vaporeon, Venusaur, Mr. Mime (oh how I loved Mr. Mime and his awkward clown shoes!)...I was unstoppable. The one card that I was always missing, however, was Charizard.
“Years went by in this manner, but no Charizard. One day I was given a pack of cards for reading the entirety of A Tale of Two Cities in two hours, and after I opened it and perused through the cards, I suddenly dropped them all with a gasp. The scientists all noticed and turned around, worried that something had happened. And then they saw what I saw: Charizard, shooting out a freakin’ flamethrower. My life had finally found meaning again.
“That night I was barely able to sleep, I was so excited for my discovery. I tossed and turned all night, and woke up numerous times. In the early hours of the morning, I heard a scientist enter my chambers, but I tried to go back to sleep. Instead of coming over and checking up on me, however, I heard him start to go through my desk drawer. I wondered what he could possibly be doing, when I realized what was happening: he was stealing my Charizard.
“I leapt out of bed in a fury, but alas, he had already grabbed my beloved flying lizard and had ran out of the room and locked the door. I was furious – there was no justice in the world, and I wanted to see, nay, feel its blood on my paws. Once again through sheer force of my bear will, I ripped the door off its hinges and proceeded to massacre the entire facility. I eventually made my way down to the generator room, and took a huge bite out of the nuclear reactor. I escaped with not a second to spare as the entire building exploded.
“I walked through the ashes and debris of the building, looking in vain for my Charizard. Instead, I found the card that started it all: Snorlax. I picked it up and once again found my will to live. I knew that I had to live to start my Pokemon Card collection over once again. And that I did.”
At this, Grumbles pointed to a safe. Stacy and Quincy O’Snappers glanced at each other nervously, realizing they were hanging out with a talking bear obsessed with Pokemon cards. Grumbles either ignored or was entirely oblivious to the duo's wariness and asked:
"What's our itinerary? Where are we headed?"
Chapter 4: Rocky Road
After Quincy O'Snappers declared this state of emergency, a loud explosion was heard from down the hall, followed by the disconcerting sounds of old people yelling obnoxiously for their pudding. Then, sounds of "Where's that Powell girl!?" were heard.
"Gramps, they're coming for me," Stacy grimly said. "I shouldn't have come here, I've put all of these geriatrics in even greater danger than their own incompetence could have ever done..." "Now I won't have my granddaughter be sayin' any of these shenanigans," grandpa Dustin said angrily. "Luckily for you two, I've been building an escape route with the help of my outside contact." At this, the crazy old man pressed a button on a nearby cordless vacuum, and the bed was lifted up to reveal a hole in the wall. Quincy crouched down to inspect the newly revealed pseudo tunnel.
"What exactly is this, Mr. Powell?"
"It's my Ultra Slip 'N Slide Super Geyser!" grandpa Dustin replied while the crazy grin began to crawl back on to his face.
"Yeah, that doesn't exactly seem like the safest thing in the wo-" Quincy started, but was rudely interrupted as grandpa Dustin shoved him down the hole.
"Now Stace, when you get down there, look for Grumbles, he'll be able to protect you kiddos."
"Wait, aren't you coming with us?" Stacy nervously asked.
"Naw, today's puddin' day. I have faith in you kiddos. Now get out of my room!" At this, Stacy gave one last smile to her grandpa, and then jumped down the aptly named Ultra Slip 'N Slide Super Geyser.
No words could possibly accurately describe the pure adrenaline rush that came from the rush of going down the slide. The first thoughts that came to Stacy's mind was that it was like playing Mario Kart and driving down Rainbow Road whilst on acid. She then corrected herself, however, because she realized the one aspect that was missing from this equation: delicious and moist cake. But just one slice would not do, oh no. Indeed, not even a whole cake could satiate this gigantic hunger that was overtaking Stacy's entire consciousness. Instead, the Rainbow Road in her mind suddenly transmogrified into a road made out of chocolate marble cake. She drove her Mario Kart farther and farther down this wondrous and wonderful path of wonders, not even wondering where this footloose and fancy free wandering would lead her. Upon making it even farther down the slide, she realized that a faint music was growing louder and louder, and with a sudden gasp, made it out to be Rainbow Connection. Immediately upon understanding this, she looked down and saw Kermit the Frog sitting in her lap and playing his banjo.
"Kermit...is this real, or has it all been in my head?" Stacy hesitantly asked.
"Well of course it's happening inside your head Stacy. But why on earth should that mean it's not real?" Kermit said.
"You're so gosh darned wise Kermit. You should be a philosopher."
"I've heard that too many times to ignore it. I think it's something that I'm s'posed to be. But anywho, good luck Stacy!"
How much time had passed between leaving grandpa Dustin and waking up in an uncomfortable bed, Stacy had no clue. But she saw Quincy O'Snappers sitting next to her bed, and when he noticed that she had awakened he got up anxiously.
"Stacy, that slip 'n slide thing your grandpa sent us down took us into the sewers."
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, gross. And what about that Grumbles guy?"
"Well, I kind of found him, but he's not exa-" Before Quincy O'Snappers could finish his sentence, a bear burst into the small room, holding a pot of honey and screaming "GRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUMBLES!"
"Gramps, they're coming for me," Stacy grimly said. "I shouldn't have come here, I've put all of these geriatrics in even greater danger than their own incompetence could have ever done..." "Now I won't have my granddaughter be sayin' any of these shenanigans," grandpa Dustin said angrily. "Luckily for you two, I've been building an escape route with the help of my outside contact." At this, the crazy old man pressed a button on a nearby cordless vacuum, and the bed was lifted up to reveal a hole in the wall. Quincy crouched down to inspect the newly revealed pseudo tunnel.
"What exactly is this, Mr. Powell?"
"It's my Ultra Slip 'N Slide Super Geyser!" grandpa Dustin replied while the crazy grin began to crawl back on to his face.
"Yeah, that doesn't exactly seem like the safest thing in the wo-" Quincy started, but was rudely interrupted as grandpa Dustin shoved him down the hole.
"Now Stace, when you get down there, look for Grumbles, he'll be able to protect you kiddos."
"Wait, aren't you coming with us?" Stacy nervously asked.
"Naw, today's puddin' day. I have faith in you kiddos. Now get out of my room!" At this, Stacy gave one last smile to her grandpa, and then jumped down the aptly named Ultra Slip 'N Slide Super Geyser.
No words could possibly accurately describe the pure adrenaline rush that came from the rush of going down the slide. The first thoughts that came to Stacy's mind was that it was like playing Mario Kart and driving down Rainbow Road whilst on acid. She then corrected herself, however, because she realized the one aspect that was missing from this equation: delicious and moist cake. But just one slice would not do, oh no. Indeed, not even a whole cake could satiate this gigantic hunger that was overtaking Stacy's entire consciousness. Instead, the Rainbow Road in her mind suddenly transmogrified into a road made out of chocolate marble cake. She drove her Mario Kart farther and farther down this wondrous and wonderful path of wonders, not even wondering where this footloose and fancy free wandering would lead her. Upon making it even farther down the slide, she realized that a faint music was growing louder and louder, and with a sudden gasp, made it out to be Rainbow Connection. Immediately upon understanding this, she looked down and saw Kermit the Frog sitting in her lap and playing his banjo.
"Kermit...is this real, or has it all been in my head?" Stacy hesitantly asked.
"Well of course it's happening inside your head Stacy. But why on earth should that mean it's not real?" Kermit said.
"You're so gosh darned wise Kermit. You should be a philosopher."
"I've heard that too many times to ignore it. I think it's something that I'm s'posed to be. But anywho, good luck Stacy!"
How much time had passed between leaving grandpa Dustin and waking up in an uncomfortable bed, Stacy had no clue. But she saw Quincy O'Snappers sitting next to her bed, and when he noticed that she had awakened he got up anxiously.
"Stacy, that slip 'n slide thing your grandpa sent us down took us into the sewers."
"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, gross. And what about that Grumbles guy?"
"Well, I kind of found him, but he's not exa-" Before Quincy O'Snappers could finish his sentence, a bear burst into the small room, holding a pot of honey and screaming "GRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUMBLES!"
Chapter 3: Grandpa Dustin's Story
Stacy and Quincy O’Snappers escorted grandpa Dustin into his room and sat him down in the bed. They attempted to chastise him for such behavior, but when he saw that a glass of chocolate milk was awaiting him on his night stand, he quickly lost interest and began to drink the drink of the gods. When Stacy thought he was at least halfway paying attention, she told her grandfather of the plight she had just been through. As she went through the abridged version of the story, grandpa Dustin proved to be a great listener of stories. He gasped, cried and screamed in horror at all the right places, and even told Stacy that she would be a great campfire ghost story teller. As Stacy got to the end of her tale, and the real reason she had come here, she decided to try and jog grandpa Dustin’s memory first.
“Gramps, before I tell you this final part of the story,” she started. “Do you, um… by any chance remember the stories you used to tell me when I was a kid? Stories about a Lizard Man that you used to hunt?”
At the mention of the fabled man/creature thing, another goofy grin cracked through grandpa Dustin’s lips as his eyes got wide and he nodded enthusiastically.
“Well, he kind of saved my life tonight, gramps,” Stacy finished. At this, Quincy O’Snappers let out a not so subtle laugh/cough. This proved to be a mistake.
“SO, YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN THE LIZARD MAN, DO YA!?” grandpa Dustin angrily shrieked at the instantly petrified Quincy O’Snappers. “YOU’RE A BAD EGG, BY BOOGY!” And at this, grandpa Dustin threw the glass of chocolate milk at Quincy, breaking on his face and splattering his whole body with an unholy combination of jagged glass and scrumdiddlyumptious chocolate milk. Poor ol’ Quincy O’Snappers, heart broken at the combination of the degrading comment in regards to his status as a human being in comparison to an egg and having objects thrown at him, ran out of the room crying. After these horrifying sequence of events had run their course, grandpa Dustin’s face immediately broke back out into his trademark grin, and declared “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Stacy sat staring at her grandfather, unsure of whether it was even safe to move, let alone trying to talk to the man. After a few minutes of terrible silence, grandpa Dustin began.
“Back in my younger years, I was quite the assassin. At first I only used my ninja skills to play pranks on people and steal ice cream, but as the years went by and my skills developed, rumors spread far and wide of my awesomeness. Soon, the army was hiring me to pull off assassinations, and I got to travel the world, seeing sights that these here eyes will never forget. After almost 30 years I was tired of slaughtering the innocent. It became boring to me, and all I wanted to do was sit in a wheelie chair and roll down hills for the rest of my days, despite me being only 50 or so. I figured I could live out the rest of my days in peace, what with all the money I had made over the years.
“When I came back home to Findlay, things had changed. Sure, it had always been a crappy place to live in, what with floods and crazy snow storms and incompetent snow plows. But now, things had gotten even crazier; in place of the high school there now sat a volcano mountain lair, home to the then newly founded Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. When the town had fell into craziness, a few manipulators formed the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate to take advantage of the situation and control the masses. It was very Orwellian, donchaknow.
“Well, the dreaded Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate had heard the legends of me in my absence, and upon hearing of my return knew that I could be of some assistance to their nefarious misdeeds. See, the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate’s master plan was to try and find some kind of ancient relic, some so-called Golden Puma or something, that had been supposedly hidden in Findlay years back. They thought they knew who had it, some kind of self-declared Lizard Man who could climb telephone poles in an instant, like 20 feet in five seconds. ‘Shenanigans,’ I declared to them. ‘Not shenanigans,’ they declared right back at me. They then gave me the coordinates of the area they presumed him to be in, and sent me on my way.
“So I traversed my way through this new, unfamiliar Findlay, full of bears and wild boars and the like, fighting my way with only my trusty dagger, all in the hopes of finding and killing the Lizard Man, with the deal being that if I did, I would be able to move my family out of here.
“One night, after wrestling and then eating three bears, I lay awake, staring out at the prettyful starry night sky, when I heard a rustling. I quickly pulled out my dagger, only to see what I instantly knew had to be the Lizard Man. Before I could strike him down, he headbutted me and took the dagger from my grasp. At this point I thought I was dead, but the Lizard Man instead spoke to me. His voice was so beautiful and full of magicalness that I’ll never forget the words he spoke to me on that fateful night.
‘I have heard of your plights, Dustin Powell. You are a good man, and I know you hunt me only for the benefit of rescuing your family. Fear not, I will not kill you, although doing so would be as simple as eating a wingless fly. Listen and listen well: I am going to give you something of grave importance, and I will need you to deliver it to someone of great importance, someone who will be able to help not only me, but to also help your family escape the dreaded Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. You must take this and deliver and deliver it to the son of your friend Matthew Murray, and tell no one of this meeting. Now go, and make as much haste as you possibly can!’
“So I did, and never heard from him again. Now, here’s where the story gets weird…”
All of a sudden, Quincy O’Snappers ran back into the room. “Quick, we have to get out of here!” he cried. “The Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate’s here!”
“Gramps, before I tell you this final part of the story,” she started. “Do you, um… by any chance remember the stories you used to tell me when I was a kid? Stories about a Lizard Man that you used to hunt?”
At the mention of the fabled man/creature thing, another goofy grin cracked through grandpa Dustin’s lips as his eyes got wide and he nodded enthusiastically.
“Well, he kind of saved my life tonight, gramps,” Stacy finished. At this, Quincy O’Snappers let out a not so subtle laugh/cough. This proved to be a mistake.
“SO, YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN THE LIZARD MAN, DO YA!?” grandpa Dustin angrily shrieked at the instantly petrified Quincy O’Snappers. “YOU’RE A BAD EGG, BY BOOGY!” And at this, grandpa Dustin threw the glass of chocolate milk at Quincy, breaking on his face and splattering his whole body with an unholy combination of jagged glass and scrumdiddlyumptious chocolate milk. Poor ol’ Quincy O’Snappers, heart broken at the combination of the degrading comment in regards to his status as a human being in comparison to an egg and having objects thrown at him, ran out of the room crying. After these horrifying sequence of events had run their course, grandpa Dustin’s face immediately broke back out into his trademark grin, and declared “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Stacy sat staring at her grandfather, unsure of whether it was even safe to move, let alone trying to talk to the man. After a few minutes of terrible silence, grandpa Dustin began.
“Back in my younger years, I was quite the assassin. At first I only used my ninja skills to play pranks on people and steal ice cream, but as the years went by and my skills developed, rumors spread far and wide of my awesomeness. Soon, the army was hiring me to pull off assassinations, and I got to travel the world, seeing sights that these here eyes will never forget. After almost 30 years I was tired of slaughtering the innocent. It became boring to me, and all I wanted to do was sit in a wheelie chair and roll down hills for the rest of my days, despite me being only 50 or so. I figured I could live out the rest of my days in peace, what with all the money I had made over the years.
“When I came back home to Findlay, things had changed. Sure, it had always been a crappy place to live in, what with floods and crazy snow storms and incompetent snow plows. But now, things had gotten even crazier; in place of the high school there now sat a volcano mountain lair, home to the then newly founded Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. When the town had fell into craziness, a few manipulators formed the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate to take advantage of the situation and control the masses. It was very Orwellian, donchaknow.
“Well, the dreaded Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate had heard the legends of me in my absence, and upon hearing of my return knew that I could be of some assistance to their nefarious misdeeds. See, the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate’s master plan was to try and find some kind of ancient relic, some so-called Golden Puma or something, that had been supposedly hidden in Findlay years back. They thought they knew who had it, some kind of self-declared Lizard Man who could climb telephone poles in an instant, like 20 feet in five seconds. ‘Shenanigans,’ I declared to them. ‘Not shenanigans,’ they declared right back at me. They then gave me the coordinates of the area they presumed him to be in, and sent me on my way.
“So I traversed my way through this new, unfamiliar Findlay, full of bears and wild boars and the like, fighting my way with only my trusty dagger, all in the hopes of finding and killing the Lizard Man, with the deal being that if I did, I would be able to move my family out of here.
“One night, after wrestling and then eating three bears, I lay awake, staring out at the prettyful starry night sky, when I heard a rustling. I quickly pulled out my dagger, only to see what I instantly knew had to be the Lizard Man. Before I could strike him down, he headbutted me and took the dagger from my grasp. At this point I thought I was dead, but the Lizard Man instead spoke to me. His voice was so beautiful and full of magicalness that I’ll never forget the words he spoke to me on that fateful night.
‘I have heard of your plights, Dustin Powell. You are a good man, and I know you hunt me only for the benefit of rescuing your family. Fear not, I will not kill you, although doing so would be as simple as eating a wingless fly. Listen and listen well: I am going to give you something of grave importance, and I will need you to deliver it to someone of great importance, someone who will be able to help not only me, but to also help your family escape the dreaded Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate. You must take this and deliver and deliver it to the son of your friend Matthew Murray, and tell no one of this meeting. Now go, and make as much haste as you possibly can!’
“So I did, and never heard from him again. Now, here’s where the story gets weird…”
All of a sudden, Quincy O’Snappers ran back into the room. “Quick, we have to get out of here!” he cried. “The Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate’s here!”
Chapter 2: Midnight Runners
“Stacy, you’re crrrrrrrrazy,” Quincy O’Snappers declared. “I realize that being attacked by the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate is quite the traumatizing ordeal, but I’m telling you, there’s no such thing as this ‘Lizard Man.’”
“Quincy,” Stacy began angrily. “You just don’t know. I mean for serious, you just don’t know. You can’t know. Not unless you’ve been there. You just don’t know, you know? I know. And I also know that you just don’t know what I know because you weren’t there when the time came to know what I know, and therefore your knowing prowess in regards to knowing the Lizard Man is nowhere near my knowing-ness. Of this much, I know.”
“All right, all right. But can you explain to me why we’re going to go see your senile grandpa Dustin right now?”
“He’s not senile. I mean, OK, he’s a bit eccentric. And more than a bit excitable. But he has his heart in the right place. And anyway, when I was but a wee lass he told me stories about how he hunted some kind of lizard man. I have to know what he knows.”
“Um…you do realize that you’re asking for advice and knowledge from a man who hijacked a bus full of nuns because he thought they were demon penguins from the Netherworld?”
Stacy Powell and Quincy O’Snappers continued on in silence, making their way to the retirement home where grandpa Dustin resided. Along the way, Quincy O’Snappers looked out of the window at the passing scenery. Nature always calmed the raging heart of our lion Quincy O’Snappers, and today was no exception. As the trees and houses and various fuzzy creatures whizzed by before Quincy O’Snappers’s eyes, he mused that life right now, here with his beloved best friend Stacy, could hardly be any better. And then, a thought came across his mind, that there was indeed one thing that could make this car ride better, namely the ballad of “Come On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. The beauty conveyed through that song was incomparable to anything but Mother Nature and the wondrous planet Earth itself. As the car pulled into the parking lot of the retirement home, Quincy made a mental note to himself to make sure to burn that song on to a CD the next chance he got, otherwise it would be totally stuck in his head.
The team of Stacy and Quincy O’Snappers walked into the retirement center, signed in at the front desk, and then proceeded to make their way to grandpa Dustin’s room. They knocked on his door, but heard no response. They knocked once more, and a symphony of silence was all that greeted them. Stacy opened the door (just a crack), and peaked her head inside, only to see an empty bed. They gave each other similar, quizzical looks. Then, all of a sudden, as if from nowhere, the ceiling above them gave a great lurching noise, as it collapsed on to the ground a few feet in front of them. The two ran over, in total shock, seeing that it was grandpa Dustin who had inexplicably fallen from the ceiling. The two picked the crazy old man up, and when he saw it was his grand daughter that was visiting him, put a gigantic, goofy grin on his face, the face that the man wore in his younger days whenever he decided to be even more mischievous than usual.
“Quincy,” Stacy began angrily. “You just don’t know. I mean for serious, you just don’t know. You can’t know. Not unless you’ve been there. You just don’t know, you know? I know. And I also know that you just don’t know what I know because you weren’t there when the time came to know what I know, and therefore your knowing prowess in regards to knowing the Lizard Man is nowhere near my knowing-ness. Of this much, I know.”
“All right, all right. But can you explain to me why we’re going to go see your senile grandpa Dustin right now?”
“He’s not senile. I mean, OK, he’s a bit eccentric. And more than a bit excitable. But he has his heart in the right place. And anyway, when I was but a wee lass he told me stories about how he hunted some kind of lizard man. I have to know what he knows.”
“Um…you do realize that you’re asking for advice and knowledge from a man who hijacked a bus full of nuns because he thought they were demon penguins from the Netherworld?”
Stacy Powell and Quincy O’Snappers continued on in silence, making their way to the retirement home where grandpa Dustin resided. Along the way, Quincy O’Snappers looked out of the window at the passing scenery. Nature always calmed the raging heart of our lion Quincy O’Snappers, and today was no exception. As the trees and houses and various fuzzy creatures whizzed by before Quincy O’Snappers’s eyes, he mused that life right now, here with his beloved best friend Stacy, could hardly be any better. And then, a thought came across his mind, that there was indeed one thing that could make this car ride better, namely the ballad of “Come On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. The beauty conveyed through that song was incomparable to anything but Mother Nature and the wondrous planet Earth itself. As the car pulled into the parking lot of the retirement home, Quincy made a mental note to himself to make sure to burn that song on to a CD the next chance he got, otherwise it would be totally stuck in his head.
The team of Stacy and Quincy O’Snappers walked into the retirement center, signed in at the front desk, and then proceeded to make their way to grandpa Dustin’s room. They knocked on his door, but heard no response. They knocked once more, and a symphony of silence was all that greeted them. Stacy opened the door (just a crack), and peaked her head inside, only to see an empty bed. They gave each other similar, quizzical looks. Then, all of a sudden, as if from nowhere, the ceiling above them gave a great lurching noise, as it collapsed on to the ground a few feet in front of them. The two ran over, in total shock, seeing that it was grandpa Dustin who had inexplicably fallen from the ceiling. The two picked the crazy old man up, and when he saw it was his grand daughter that was visiting him, put a gigantic, goofy grin on his face, the face that the man wore in his younger days whenever he decided to be even more mischievous than usual.
Chapter 1: A Prelude to Awesome
A terrible, blood curdling scream pierced the night. The cry seemed to rattle the trees surrounding Blanchard river, and indeed, a foul wind blew through the night. A crashing noise was heard, and a woman came tumbling out of some dense foliage, dirtied and besmudged with sweat. She quickly got to her feet and took off running once more. Mere nanoseconds afterwards, two men came through the aforementioned foliage, booking it all speedy like, in hot pursuit of the lady. They quickly caught up to the woman, and totally threw her down on the ground. They then wrestled a purse from her hands and one of the men began to peruse through its contents while the other kept the woman held down. After a minute or so, the purse ganderer threw the bag down in disgust, obviously flustered beyond belief.
“We know you have the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn that your husband won at an auction many years ago,” he declared. “Now hand it over!”
“I promised my husband that I would never give up that majestic golden stallion to the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, no matter what happened,” the lady defiantly answered. “You’ll just have to kill me.”
“If that is your desire then let me be your squire,” the second man sing-songed as he grasped his Whiffle Ball bat tight. He raised the child’s play thing high into the air, preparing to strike the woman down, when out of nowhere, KABLOOMERS~! A fist right in his unthinkable face.
The man went down like a sick dog at a child’s birthday party after being fed the leftover cake that accidently still had a candle in it. The other man, obviously both bewildered and bamboozled as to where the seemingly magic fist had appeared from, stood on the spot flabbergasted while a flurry of fists came down and cold cocked him right off his feet. Before the woman could say or do anything other than stare in pure awe at the awesome spectacle that had just taken place before her eyes, the mystery man picked her up with one arm and bolted.
The figure ran straight for a tree at a whopping four miles per hour, and didn’t seem to be slowing down or veering off course. Before the woman could even utter a scream, the figure jumped and climbed the entire length of the tree, all lickity-split.
After the woman had caught her breath, she stammered “You just climbed that tree like it was nothing, like 20 feet in five seconds...” The figure stayed quiet however, yet ever watchful.
“So…” the woman started. “Just who are you?” The enigmatic man remained quiet for a few more moments, and then answered in the most beautiful voice the woman, or anyone else, had ever heard.
“I am the protector of the weak. I am the defender of the downtrodden. I am the keeper of the innocent’s dreams and ideals. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am Lizard Man.”
“We know you have the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn that your husband won at an auction many years ago,” he declared. “Now hand it over!”
“I promised my husband that I would never give up that majestic golden stallion to the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate, no matter what happened,” the lady defiantly answered. “You’ll just have to kill me.”
“If that is your desire then let me be your squire,” the second man sing-songed as he grasped his Whiffle Ball bat tight. He raised the child’s play thing high into the air, preparing to strike the woman down, when out of nowhere, KABLOOMERS~! A fist right in his unthinkable face.
The man went down like a sick dog at a child’s birthday party after being fed the leftover cake that accidently still had a candle in it. The other man, obviously both bewildered and bamboozled as to where the seemingly magic fist had appeared from, stood on the spot flabbergasted while a flurry of fists came down and cold cocked him right off his feet. Before the woman could say or do anything other than stare in pure awe at the awesome spectacle that had just taken place before her eyes, the mystery man picked her up with one arm and bolted.
The figure ran straight for a tree at a whopping four miles per hour, and didn’t seem to be slowing down or veering off course. Before the woman could even utter a scream, the figure jumped and climbed the entire length of the tree, all lickity-split.
After the woman had caught her breath, she stammered “You just climbed that tree like it was nothing, like 20 feet in five seconds...” The figure stayed quiet however, yet ever watchful.
“So…” the woman started. “Just who are you?” The enigmatic man remained quiet for a few more moments, and then answered in the most beautiful voice the woman, or anyone else, had ever heard.
“I am the protector of the weak. I am the defender of the downtrodden. I am the keeper of the innocent’s dreams and ideals. I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am Lizard Man.”
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