Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
About the Author
Matthew Michael Murray has been writing stories of varying degrees of crappiness for the majority of his life. All of the aforementioned crappiness culminated in the Lizard Man novella, which he declares "just came to me". Born in 1989 (he just recently became legal, ladies), most people have called him fearless, and indeed, it takes a lot of courage for him just to get out of bed every morning, knowing what he has become. The author would also like to dedicate the rest of this space to all the people that inspired and/or helped with this abomination of a story.
Benjamin Hughes
Brad Neely
Dustin Powell
Garret Bugay
Godzilla the Iguana
Jimbob Baxter Junior Jones Smith the Third
Jon Davis
Kenneth Howard
Kevin Maddocks
Lauren Kritter
Minus the Bear
Mookie Montenaro
Mr. Opp
Rebekah Jones
Spider-Man
Stephanie Schultz
Brad Neely
Dustin Powell
Garret Bugay
Godzilla the Iguana
Jimbob Baxter Junior Jones Smith the Third
Jon Davis
Kenneth Howard
Kevin Maddocks
Lauren Kritter
Minus the Bear
Mookie Montenaro
Mr. Opp
Rebekah Jones
Spider-Man
Stephanie Schultz
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Chapter 14 and 3/4: Five Years Later
"Bradley, is that a toaster you've got there?" Lizard Man asked in a surreptitious manner.
"N-no, Mr. Lizard Man, I swear!" the young boy answered.
"It's all right, don't worry," Lizard Man responded with a smile. "Even though other certain members of the faculty may not understand the need to have warm toasted delights in the morning, I'm on your side. Just don't let anyone else see you with it."
"Boy golly, gee whiz!" Bradley exclaimed. "You're the awesomest teacher ever! See you in class tomorrow, Mr. Lizard Man!" And at this, the boy skipped away, happy as could be. Lizard Man just smiled; it was moments like these that reminded him of why he had decided to become a teacher in this post-Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate world. He then walked on, remembering his appointment that he had to keep.
Lizard Man got in his car, started the engine and made his way to the retirement home where he was to pickup grandpa Dustin; the silly old man didn't have much time left in this world now, but he had one last request that Lizard Man had promised he would help him fulfill. Aside from that, he himself hadn't been to the destination they were to be headed towards in a couple years, a secret he guiltily kept to himself. As he drove on, he turned on the radio, tired of the silence surrounding him. The song that came on was Kiss From a Rose by Seal, one of Lizard Man's personal favorites. It also reminded him painfully of Quincy O'Snappers, and he briefly wondered whether him and Stacy had ever found the happiness they so rightly deserved. He did not have long to dwell on these thoughts, however, as he pulled into the parking lot of the retirement home and saw that grandpa Dustin was already waiting for him on a bench. Lizard Man got out and helped the old man into the car, got back in and drove off to their next destination.
The two drove on in silence for a few minutes, until grandpa Dustin gave an unwarrented "Touché!" Lizard Man debated internally whether he should respond or not, but decided that getting him riled up would probably not be the smartest choice of action, especially in a moving vehicle. Finally, after a few more pained moments of silence between the two, they arrived at their destination: Grumbles Memorial Cemetary.
"By boogy this place is neato supremo!" grandpa Dustin said with glee. He opened his door and rushed out of the car with surprising vitality for a man his age. Lizard Man hurried after him, afraid that Dustin's senility would cause him to get lost in this beautiful graveyard, much like a small child might get stuck in the big plastic tubes at Chuck E. Cheese. Sure, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with such a thing, as getting lost and finding one's way out is a trait that most children would do well to obtain. But then if the kid got lost in the never ending maze of plastic tubes and chutes that smelled of a combination of feet and feet-smelling pizza for over half an hour, the parents would have to get an employee to come and rescue their child, or (even worse), get the help of an older rapscallion to go spelunking in search of their lost child, like a miniaturized version of a collapsed mineshaft.
Lizard Man and grandpa Dustin eventually made their way to the center of the graveyard, where a large statue stood in memoriam of their fallen comrade Grumbles the bear. The two stood there for a moment of silence, both wondering what life would have been like if things had gone just a tad bit differently than the way they did. At length, Dustin took his wallet out and took a card out. Not just any card, however; it was Grumbles' first Pokemon card - his holographic Snorlax. Marveling at its beauty for only a moment, Dustin placed it upon the statue. Lizard Man followed suite, taking a card out of his own wallet. This card, however, was a Charizard.
"I know how much this meant to you, Grumbles," Lizard Man said to the statue. "It took me a while to hunt down, but here it is; I hope you know just how much we all cared about you, you crazy talking bear." Lizard Man then placed the Charizard on the statue next to Snorlax, emitting a loud sniffle as he did so. Grandpa Dustin grasped his shoulder and squeezed, and Lizard Man put his own arm around Dustin's shoulder, and the two made their way back to the car.
"Hey, wanna go to Wal-Mart?" grandpa Dustin asked, his old goofy grin re-awakening on his face.
"As long as you don't try to steal more Jell-O Pudding Snacks this time," Lizard Man said sternly.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaa," was all grandpa Dustin could respond, for his smile was too big to allow for any kind of actual words to be formed. As the two got back in Lizard Man's car, the wind seemed to blow the branches of the surrounding trees, giving the impression that they were being waved goodbye to. The Snorlax and Charizard cards, however, stayed firmly in place.
"N-no, Mr. Lizard Man, I swear!" the young boy answered.
"It's all right, don't worry," Lizard Man responded with a smile. "Even though other certain members of the faculty may not understand the need to have warm toasted delights in the morning, I'm on your side. Just don't let anyone else see you with it."
"Boy golly, gee whiz!" Bradley exclaimed. "You're the awesomest teacher ever! See you in class tomorrow, Mr. Lizard Man!" And at this, the boy skipped away, happy as could be. Lizard Man just smiled; it was moments like these that reminded him of why he had decided to become a teacher in this post-Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate world. He then walked on, remembering his appointment that he had to keep.
Lizard Man got in his car, started the engine and made his way to the retirement home where he was to pickup grandpa Dustin; the silly old man didn't have much time left in this world now, but he had one last request that Lizard Man had promised he would help him fulfill. Aside from that, he himself hadn't been to the destination they were to be headed towards in a couple years, a secret he guiltily kept to himself. As he drove on, he turned on the radio, tired of the silence surrounding him. The song that came on was Kiss From a Rose by Seal, one of Lizard Man's personal favorites. It also reminded him painfully of Quincy O'Snappers, and he briefly wondered whether him and Stacy had ever found the happiness they so rightly deserved. He did not have long to dwell on these thoughts, however, as he pulled into the parking lot of the retirement home and saw that grandpa Dustin was already waiting for him on a bench. Lizard Man got out and helped the old man into the car, got back in and drove off to their next destination.
The two drove on in silence for a few minutes, until grandpa Dustin gave an unwarrented "Touché!" Lizard Man debated internally whether he should respond or not, but decided that getting him riled up would probably not be the smartest choice of action, especially in a moving vehicle. Finally, after a few more pained moments of silence between the two, they arrived at their destination: Grumbles Memorial Cemetary.
"By boogy this place is neato supremo!" grandpa Dustin said with glee. He opened his door and rushed out of the car with surprising vitality for a man his age. Lizard Man hurried after him, afraid that Dustin's senility would cause him to get lost in this beautiful graveyard, much like a small child might get stuck in the big plastic tubes at Chuck E. Cheese. Sure, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with such a thing, as getting lost and finding one's way out is a trait that most children would do well to obtain. But then if the kid got lost in the never ending maze of plastic tubes and chutes that smelled of a combination of feet and feet-smelling pizza for over half an hour, the parents would have to get an employee to come and rescue their child, or (even worse), get the help of an older rapscallion to go spelunking in search of their lost child, like a miniaturized version of a collapsed mineshaft.
Lizard Man and grandpa Dustin eventually made their way to the center of the graveyard, where a large statue stood in memoriam of their fallen comrade Grumbles the bear. The two stood there for a moment of silence, both wondering what life would have been like if things had gone just a tad bit differently than the way they did. At length, Dustin took his wallet out and took a card out. Not just any card, however; it was Grumbles' first Pokemon card - his holographic Snorlax. Marveling at its beauty for only a moment, Dustin placed it upon the statue. Lizard Man followed suite, taking a card out of his own wallet. This card, however, was a Charizard.
"I know how much this meant to you, Grumbles," Lizard Man said to the statue. "It took me a while to hunt down, but here it is; I hope you know just how much we all cared about you, you crazy talking bear." Lizard Man then placed the Charizard on the statue next to Snorlax, emitting a loud sniffle as he did so. Grandpa Dustin grasped his shoulder and squeezed, and Lizard Man put his own arm around Dustin's shoulder, and the two made their way back to the car.
"Hey, wanna go to Wal-Mart?" grandpa Dustin asked, his old goofy grin re-awakening on his face.
"As long as you don't try to steal more Jell-O Pudding Snacks this time," Lizard Man said sternly.
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah haaaaaaa," was all grandpa Dustin could respond, for his smile was too big to allow for any kind of actual words to be formed. As the two got back in Lizard Man's car, the wind seemed to blow the branches of the surrounding trees, giving the impression that they were being waved goodbye to. The Snorlax and Charizard cards, however, stayed firmly in place.
Chapter 14 and 1/2: This Ain't a Surfing Movie
Quincy O'Snappers opened his eyes and found himself lying down on a perfectly warm and comfortable beach, the sand silvered by a low hanging moon. He looked out and saw a never-ending ocean stretching out the entire length of the horizon. Quincy then slowly turned his head to the right and, with a jolt, saw Stacy smiling at him; Quincy couldn't help but return the smile doublefold. The two looked at each other for a few more moments, and then turned their attention back towards the endless ocean that lay in front of them. In his mind, Quincy O'Snappers noted how that through most of his life, silence had been an awkward and horrible thing, something to be avoided at all costs. And yet, here on this moonlit beach, alone with the woman he loved more than anything, he found that he loved and reveled in this stillness; there simply seemed to be nothing more that needed to be said between the two.
How much time passed in this wonderful tranquility, Quincy neither knew nor cared. Eventually, however, the moon had traded places with the sun, replacing the silver glow of the landscape with a golden one. At length, Quincy broke the silence.
"You know, this is all I ever really wanted. Just you and me and a shoreline." Stacy just kept smiling for a little while longer until she responded.
"We're gonna be here for a while. I hope the weather holds." Quincy didn't need any time to think up his brilliant, horribly cliché romantic response.
"It doesn't matter. You don't need the sun to make you shine." Stacy grabbed the hand of Quincy O'Snappers, and they both once again turned their attention to the ever-changing sea before them, both completely happy for the first time.
How much time passed in this wonderful tranquility, Quincy neither knew nor cared. Eventually, however, the moon had traded places with the sun, replacing the silver glow of the landscape with a golden one. At length, Quincy broke the silence.
"You know, this is all I ever really wanted. Just you and me and a shoreline." Stacy just kept smiling for a little while longer until she responded.
"We're gonna be here for a while. I hope the weather holds." Quincy didn't need any time to think up his brilliant, horribly cliché romantic response.
"It doesn't matter. You don't need the sun to make you shine." Stacy grabbed the hand of Quincy O'Snappers, and they both once again turned their attention to the ever-changing sea before them, both completely happy for the first time.
Chapter 14: The Lament of Quincy O'Snappers
"What is this?" Mahogany asked the world at large with terror in her voice. Stacy opened her eyes to see that she was back standing in the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate's control room. She looked at Quincy, who was staring at her, apparently awestruck. It was then that Stacy looked down at her hands and saw that they were glowing the same golden aura that the pony in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness had been. Looking behind her, Stacy saw that some kind of magical golden portal leading to what she instinctively knew to be the aforementioned Realm was open, waiting to be fed a dose of Mahogany. Knowing what she had to do was both a wonderful and terrible thing, but her resolve had been set from the get-go, and now it was time.
"Mahogany, you've caused so much pain," Stacy said simply. "I mean, marrying Charles Goomy just to spite your dad is one thing, but then you killed your brother and nephew and had them turned into cyborgs? I mean, aside from being just plain evil, that doesn't even make any sense. I mean really, that's just crazy. Whoever could have thought that one up? You're a sick, sick weirdo, that's what you are. You're the type of person that draws on their dog's face with permanent marker. I'm not just talking about making just eyebrows either, I mean the whole kit 'n kaboodle - the moustache and beard, maybe even a goatee, and all that on top of the dog clothes and accessories you make them wear. What the heck is wrong with you, making your dog look like a man on a New York subway?"
"You dare criticize me!?" Mahogany screamed with indignation, a little bit of spittle dribbling out of her mouth. "I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE OVARIES, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO." And at this, Mahogany charged at Stacy.
"Please, Mahogany," Stacy pleaded, not moving an inch. "Try some remorse just this once..."
"You'll be remorseful when your baby maker gets a taste of my fists; they come in 39 different flavors, and you're about to get a free sample!" Stacy still did not move, letting Mahogany come right at her. Quincy O'Snappers was preparing to step in, when out of nowhere, a golden boxing glove collided right with Mahogany's face, knocking her straight off her feet. Both Quincy and Stacy looked to see who it was, only to see the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn adorned in boxing gloves and trunks, standing upright like a human.
"Stacy, it's time," the pony said. "I'll take this trash out myself. You can say goodbye to your friends, but try and hurry, I can't keep the portal opened too long." And at this, the pony grabbed Mahogany by the scruff of her neck and waited for Stacy to say her final farewells.
"Stace, what does he mean by that?" Quincy asked hesitantly.
"Quincy, I'm so sorry, but I have to go," Stacy responded. She couldn't bear to look into Quincy's eyes, and quickly walked over to Lizard Man, who had regained consciousness and was leaning haphazardly against a wall.
"Lizard Man, thank you for everything," Stacy said as she embraced her friend. "You saved my life twice in the past two days, and without you we'd have never dismantled the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"No Stacy, thank you. Without you, I never would have had the motivation to leave my sheltered forest life for good." Lizard Man gave Stacy a supportive shoulder grasp, the ultimate sign of brohood, even between woman and beast-man. Stacy then walked over to the portal, still refusing to meet Quincy's eyes.
"Stace..." Quincy O'Snappers said quietly. Stacy stopped dead in her tracks. "I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm sorry that I never said it until now. But after all this craziness with Lizard Man and the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and your insane grandpa and volcano lairs and a freakin' talking bear that collects Pokemon cards...Stacy, you can't leave now." Stacy looked sadly at her beloved best friend.
"Quincy, I have to go. And I'm sorry I never told you that I love you even more than Reese's Peanut Buttercups, more than Skittles, more than S'mores Pop-Tarts, heck, even more than Sour Patch Watermelons. But it's out there now: you're my favorite person in the world, and I love you. And that'll never change, even when you're here and I'm in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness." At this, Quincy O'Snappers started to let the tears flow.
"Stacy, we must go," the Golden Pony said, still holding on to Mahogany, who was now regaining consciousness. "I can't keep the portal open much longer." Stacy nodded, and then gave Quincy a sad little smile.
"Well Quince, after all this, it looks like we're finally parting ways. Good-bye!" Stacy turned towards the magical portal, hiding her tears, and walked in with the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and Mahogany in tow. Upon their entrance, the portal closed immediately, leaving Quincy O'Snappers and Lizard Man alone.
Lizard Man slowly hobbled his way over to Quincy O'Snappers in an effort to comfort him. Despite his wounds, Lizard Man was still able to walk the distance, albeit a wobbly walk. Indeed, the best way to describe Lizard Man at this moment would be to compare him to a Weeble Wobble. The catchphrase of "Weeble's Wobble but they don't fall down" was infinitely applicable to Lizard Man in these moments, and if it weren't for the sad situation at hand, Quincy O'Snappers would have most assuredly noted this. Alas, at this moment Quincy O'Snappers was numb to everything in the world, his heart a giant tundra of broken ice that was sustaining even more damage every moment because whales were trying to eat the penguins that had taken refuge on the miniature icy summits.
"Quincy, I know what you're feeling right now, and I know it hurts. But there's nothing you can do. She's gone now. She accepted her fate like a true hero."
"What does being a hero matter if you're stuck by yourself for the rest of eternity, though?" Quincy asked sadly. "And it's not like she ever wanted to be a hero, she just wanted the world to be a better place. It's not fair that she won't be able to see the fruits of her labor."
"I know it's not fair," Lizard Man said emphatically. "But sometimes you must have the serenity to accept that which you cannot change, and Stacy's never coming back, no matter how much you or I want her to."
"You're right," Quincy said, closing his eyes in the process. "She can't ever come back. But I can go to her. I'm not ready for her to be gone from my life - I love her with everything I have." After Quincy spoke these words, a faint golden light seemed to be emanate from within his heart and spread to the rest of his body. Lizard Man, usually the typical all knowing wise man, was at a loss for what was happening.
"Thanks for everything Lizard Man. Take good care of grandpa Dustin for us; I'll say 'hi' to Stacy for you." These were the last words Quincy O'Snappers spoke before he disappeared in a flash of light.
"Mahogany, you've caused so much pain," Stacy said simply. "I mean, marrying Charles Goomy just to spite your dad is one thing, but then you killed your brother and nephew and had them turned into cyborgs? I mean, aside from being just plain evil, that doesn't even make any sense. I mean really, that's just crazy. Whoever could have thought that one up? You're a sick, sick weirdo, that's what you are. You're the type of person that draws on their dog's face with permanent marker. I'm not just talking about making just eyebrows either, I mean the whole kit 'n kaboodle - the moustache and beard, maybe even a goatee, and all that on top of the dog clothes and accessories you make them wear. What the heck is wrong with you, making your dog look like a man on a New York subway?"
"You dare criticize me!?" Mahogany screamed with indignation, a little bit of spittle dribbling out of her mouth. "I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE OVARIES, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO." And at this, Mahogany charged at Stacy.
"Please, Mahogany," Stacy pleaded, not moving an inch. "Try some remorse just this once..."
"You'll be remorseful when your baby maker gets a taste of my fists; they come in 39 different flavors, and you're about to get a free sample!" Stacy still did not move, letting Mahogany come right at her. Quincy O'Snappers was preparing to step in, when out of nowhere, a golden boxing glove collided right with Mahogany's face, knocking her straight off her feet. Both Quincy and Stacy looked to see who it was, only to see the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn adorned in boxing gloves and trunks, standing upright like a human.
"Stacy, it's time," the pony said. "I'll take this trash out myself. You can say goodbye to your friends, but try and hurry, I can't keep the portal opened too long." And at this, the pony grabbed Mahogany by the scruff of her neck and waited for Stacy to say her final farewells.
"Stace, what does he mean by that?" Quincy asked hesitantly.
"Quincy, I'm so sorry, but I have to go," Stacy responded. She couldn't bear to look into Quincy's eyes, and quickly walked over to Lizard Man, who had regained consciousness and was leaning haphazardly against a wall.
"Lizard Man, thank you for everything," Stacy said as she embraced her friend. "You saved my life twice in the past two days, and without you we'd have never dismantled the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"No Stacy, thank you. Without you, I never would have had the motivation to leave my sheltered forest life for good." Lizard Man gave Stacy a supportive shoulder grasp, the ultimate sign of brohood, even between woman and beast-man. Stacy then walked over to the portal, still refusing to meet Quincy's eyes.
"Stace..." Quincy O'Snappers said quietly. Stacy stopped dead in her tracks. "I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm sorry that I never said it until now. But after all this craziness with Lizard Man and the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and your insane grandpa and volcano lairs and a freakin' talking bear that collects Pokemon cards...Stacy, you can't leave now." Stacy looked sadly at her beloved best friend.
"Quincy, I have to go. And I'm sorry I never told you that I love you even more than Reese's Peanut Buttercups, more than Skittles, more than S'mores Pop-Tarts, heck, even more than Sour Patch Watermelons. But it's out there now: you're my favorite person in the world, and I love you. And that'll never change, even when you're here and I'm in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness." At this, Quincy O'Snappers started to let the tears flow.
"Stacy, we must go," the Golden Pony said, still holding on to Mahogany, who was now regaining consciousness. "I can't keep the portal open much longer." Stacy nodded, and then gave Quincy a sad little smile.
"Well Quince, after all this, it looks like we're finally parting ways. Good-bye!" Stacy turned towards the magical portal, hiding her tears, and walked in with the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn and Mahogany in tow. Upon their entrance, the portal closed immediately, leaving Quincy O'Snappers and Lizard Man alone.
Lizard Man slowly hobbled his way over to Quincy O'Snappers in an effort to comfort him. Despite his wounds, Lizard Man was still able to walk the distance, albeit a wobbly walk. Indeed, the best way to describe Lizard Man at this moment would be to compare him to a Weeble Wobble. The catchphrase of "Weeble's Wobble but they don't fall down" was infinitely applicable to Lizard Man in these moments, and if it weren't for the sad situation at hand, Quincy O'Snappers would have most assuredly noted this. Alas, at this moment Quincy O'Snappers was numb to everything in the world, his heart a giant tundra of broken ice that was sustaining even more damage every moment because whales were trying to eat the penguins that had taken refuge on the miniature icy summits.
"Quincy, I know what you're feeling right now, and I know it hurts. But there's nothing you can do. She's gone now. She accepted her fate like a true hero."
"What does being a hero matter if you're stuck by yourself for the rest of eternity, though?" Quincy asked sadly. "And it's not like she ever wanted to be a hero, she just wanted the world to be a better place. It's not fair that she won't be able to see the fruits of her labor."
"I know it's not fair," Lizard Man said emphatically. "But sometimes you must have the serenity to accept that which you cannot change, and Stacy's never coming back, no matter how much you or I want her to."
"You're right," Quincy said, closing his eyes in the process. "She can't ever come back. But I can go to her. I'm not ready for her to be gone from my life - I love her with everything I have." After Quincy spoke these words, a faint golden light seemed to be emanate from within his heart and spread to the rest of his body. Lizard Man, usually the typical all knowing wise man, was at a loss for what was happening.
"Thanks for everything Lizard Man. Take good care of grandpa Dustin for us; I'll say 'hi' to Stacy for you." These were the last words Quincy O'Snappers spoke before he disappeared in a flash of light.
Chapter 13: The Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness
Stacy opened her eyes to a completely different sight than where she had just been. Instead of the cold, dark, mechanical room of death she had just been occupying, she was lying on a sandy beach in front of a seemingly never ending ocean of the clearest azure blue. She looked around and saw absolutely nothing but a seemingly infinite expanse of beautiful beaches. She couldn't even see any form of life across the ocean's horizon line. Though she was quite confuddled by this newest predicament, she couldn't help but be content; something about this place was calming to her soul. How long she stared out into the distance, she did not know. It could have been minutes, hours, or possibly even days; time seemed to have no place in this wondrous zone. Stacy soon remembered what had happened before she arrived here, and wished that she could have some answers. No sooner had she thought this, she heard the galloping of a horse on the sand in the distance. Turning around, she saw the most beautiful pony she had ever seen - golden was the only way you could describe anything about it, aside from the eyes, for they were the most wondrous shade of pickle green Stacy had ever seen. And atop this stallion rode none other than Kermit the frog, gripping his banjo, as per usual. The pair trotted up to Stacy and slowed down right in front of her.
"Stacy, you old so and so!" Kermit beamed at her. "You've finally arrived! I was wondering how long it would take you to finally get off Rocky Road and make it here." Despite her confuzzledness, Stacy couldn't help but smile back at the wonderful muppet.
"But where exactly is 'here'?" she asked. Instead of Kermit, the pony spoke to Stacy now.
"This is the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness," it said simply. "And I am the keeper of this everlasting place. Yes, I, the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn."
"That doesn't really answer my question, though," Stacy frowned at the pony.
"Simply put, the Golden Realm is a place that manifests itself on the outskirts of nothingness depending upon the heart of whoever the Keeper of the plaque is." The pony explained matter-of-factly.
"Wait, what?" Stacy asked, more confused than ever. "This place...doesn't exist?"
"Oh, it certainly exists. At least, now it does. You're the first person to ever enter it, and thus, this is the form it took. I must say though, your version of paradise is a beach with no one else around? How quaint."
"Well, not exactly...but what do you mean I'm the first person to come here? Haven't people been chasing after this thing for years and years? Did they know what would happen?"
"They certainly had a faint idea. I don't think it's exactly what any of them expected, but then again, what ever is?" The pony saw Stacy's confused expression and gave a lighthearted laugh. "Look my dear, the people who seek power are always blissfully ignorant to everything else but their own goals. Charles Goomy sought the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn because he had heard that it gave the Keeper their greatest desire, his being to have his body back. If he had managed to both obtain and unlock the secret of the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, he would have lived for eternity in nothingness with his new body. You, who desire nothing but peace and serenity, find yourself here on this beach." Stacy, the pony and Kermit all stood in silence for a few moments.
"And what would it have become if Mahogany had got here?" Stacy asked at length. The pony closed his eyes to ponder this quandary.
"I think," he began, "that her strongest desire is nothing short of the destruction of everything that anyone has ever cared for. Over the years, her bitterness for being named 'Mahogany' has stirred and bubbled to the point where she has become completely insane. She believes that no one could ever care for her with a name like that, despite the fact that her entire family cared about her very much. Personally, I think the name is both feminine and strong, suitable for a goddess. It's a shame things had to turn out that way." The pony sighed.
"If Mahogany's heart wants nothingness, then what would happen if she ended up here, in my version of the Golden Realm?" At this, the pony smiled once more.
"That's the question, isn't it? I can't say for sure, but I have a hunch, and my hunches are usually correct. Someone with that much hate in their heart can never understand a place like this, born out of love. I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to bring her here, then that would be the absolute end of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"'Bring her here...' So that means I'm going to have to come back then, doesn't it?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so Stacy. The Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness can only keep this form while the person who made it is inside of it. I expect you know what that means, then?" Stacy thought it over, and then nodded her head yes.
"I'll be stuck here forever, won't I..."
"Yes Stacy, and for that I'm truly sorry. It's going to take all of my energy to open a gateway between this world and yours for a short while, during which you'll have to bring her here. That is, if you want to go at all." Stacy had no hesitation in her response.
"No, I have to go. If I don't, Lizard Man and Quincy..." at Quincy's name, she stopped, tears coming to her eyes for the first time since she had awoken in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness. After recomposing herself, Stacy continued. "They might not be able to stop her. And I have to tell Quince this one time, or else he'll never know." The pony nodded its omniscious smile, and the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness started to fade before her eyes. Kermit strummed a few sad notes on his banjo and waved good-bye to Stacy.
"Stay strong for just a little while longer Stacy, all of this is almost over. Then you'll be able to see me and Fozzie Bear, Rowlf, Miss Piggy, Monster, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beeker, Gonzo, Scooter, Dr. Teeth, and Waldorf, too!"
"And Doc Hopper...will we finally convince him that you're more than just a pair of legs?" Stacy asked as the last remnants of the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness faded from her vision.
"You bet kiddo, you bet." Kermit's voice echoed in Stacy's head.
"Stacy, you old so and so!" Kermit beamed at her. "You've finally arrived! I was wondering how long it would take you to finally get off Rocky Road and make it here." Despite her confuzzledness, Stacy couldn't help but smile back at the wonderful muppet.
"But where exactly is 'here'?" she asked. Instead of Kermit, the pony spoke to Stacy now.
"This is the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness," it said simply. "And I am the keeper of this everlasting place. Yes, I, the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn."
"That doesn't really answer my question, though," Stacy frowned at the pony.
"Simply put, the Golden Realm is a place that manifests itself on the outskirts of nothingness depending upon the heart of whoever the Keeper of the plaque is." The pony explained matter-of-factly.
"Wait, what?" Stacy asked, more confused than ever. "This place...doesn't exist?"
"Oh, it certainly exists. At least, now it does. You're the first person to ever enter it, and thus, this is the form it took. I must say though, your version of paradise is a beach with no one else around? How quaint."
"Well, not exactly...but what do you mean I'm the first person to come here? Haven't people been chasing after this thing for years and years? Did they know what would happen?"
"They certainly had a faint idea. I don't think it's exactly what any of them expected, but then again, what ever is?" The pony saw Stacy's confused expression and gave a lighthearted laugh. "Look my dear, the people who seek power are always blissfully ignorant to everything else but their own goals. Charles Goomy sought the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn because he had heard that it gave the Keeper their greatest desire, his being to have his body back. If he had managed to both obtain and unlock the secret of the Golden Pony of Kubla-Kahn, he would have lived for eternity in nothingness with his new body. You, who desire nothing but peace and serenity, find yourself here on this beach." Stacy, the pony and Kermit all stood in silence for a few moments.
"And what would it have become if Mahogany had got here?" Stacy asked at length. The pony closed his eyes to ponder this quandary.
"I think," he began, "that her strongest desire is nothing short of the destruction of everything that anyone has ever cared for. Over the years, her bitterness for being named 'Mahogany' has stirred and bubbled to the point where she has become completely insane. She believes that no one could ever care for her with a name like that, despite the fact that her entire family cared about her very much. Personally, I think the name is both feminine and strong, suitable for a goddess. It's a shame things had to turn out that way." The pony sighed.
"If Mahogany's heart wants nothingness, then what would happen if she ended up here, in my version of the Golden Realm?" At this, the pony smiled once more.
"That's the question, isn't it? I can't say for sure, but I have a hunch, and my hunches are usually correct. Someone with that much hate in their heart can never understand a place like this, born out of love. I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts that if you were to bring her here, then that would be the absolute end of the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate."
"'Bring her here...' So that means I'm going to have to come back then, doesn't it?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so Stacy. The Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness can only keep this form while the person who made it is inside of it. I expect you know what that means, then?" Stacy thought it over, and then nodded her head yes.
"I'll be stuck here forever, won't I..."
"Yes Stacy, and for that I'm truly sorry. It's going to take all of my energy to open a gateway between this world and yours for a short while, during which you'll have to bring her here. That is, if you want to go at all." Stacy had no hesitation in her response.
"No, I have to go. If I don't, Lizard Man and Quincy..." at Quincy's name, she stopped, tears coming to her eyes for the first time since she had awoken in the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness. After recomposing herself, Stacy continued. "They might not be able to stop her. And I have to tell Quince this one time, or else he'll never know." The pony nodded its omniscious smile, and the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness started to fade before her eyes. Kermit strummed a few sad notes on his banjo and waved good-bye to Stacy.
"Stay strong for just a little while longer Stacy, all of this is almost over. Then you'll be able to see me and Fozzie Bear, Rowlf, Miss Piggy, Monster, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beeker, Gonzo, Scooter, Dr. Teeth, and Waldorf, too!"
"And Doc Hopper...will we finally convince him that you're more than just a pair of legs?" Stacy asked as the last remnants of the Supreme Golden Realm of Awesomeness faded from her vision.
"You bet kiddo, you bet." Kermit's voice echoed in Stacy's head.
Chapter 12: Late December in 2063
"So at last you've arrived," a woman's voice rang out into the darkness of the room. "Charles will be ever so glad to see you." The lights then came on, revealing a large room, full to the brim with computer moniters, switches and levers, hoosiers and watchits. In the center of the room was, Stacy recognized, Mahogany Murray, estranged auntie of her husband Optimus. Next to her was an old fashioned gumball machine, which housed not delicious gum, but a brain with one giant grotesque shut eye.
"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" Mahogany cooed at the brain within the gumball machine. The lone eye slowly fluttered open and took a moment to focus on the scene before it. Upon seeing Stacy and realizing what it meant, the brain of Charles Goomy spoke.
"Ah, so you really have brought me the girl," Charles spoke. "Excellent, most excellent. Have the guards brought in to have them killed. Immediately."
"Well, about that," Mahogany said in her most girlish voice. "These three and their recently deceased bear friend tore through our defenses pretty bad. There's no one left, not even Sasquatch."
"And you just now decided to wake me, after all of this had taken place!?" Charles screamed, the rage tingling throughout the cerebral cortex palpable throughout the room. And then comprehension dawned upon Charles Goomy. "I was right about you; you've been planning to take over the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate all this time." Lizard Man, Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers all glanced at one another, confused at the events that were transpiring before their eyes.
"Oh, Charles," Mahogany said with an insane grin quickly spreading across her mouth. "Of course I have. And I must say that if you hadn't had such a forgiving nature, I would have been killed years and years ago. Yes, that would have been the case under a competent leader, unlike yourself. Anyway, it's time to show you the real reason I woke you up." At the end of her soliloquy, Mahogany pressed one of the many buttons strewn on a nearby, conveniently placed control panel. Two holes then opened up near the spot where Mahogany and the gumball machine encasing the brain of Charles Goomy stood. Platforms then rose out of these holes, each carrying a figure atop. Stacy and Quincy both let out a gasp at the sight of these two figures, recognition on both their faces - Voltron and Optimus Murray, father and son, were facing them, their eyes strangely devoid of life.
"I was told these two were dead..." Charles Goomy said, his voice actually full of fear now.
"And dead they are," Mahogany responded. "But there's one itsy bitsy detail that was left out of that report. Namely, that their bodies have been turned into cyborgs now. Cyborgs who are programmed to obey only I, naturally." Mahogany turned to the Voltron cyborg. "Dear brother, do me a favor and get rid of this old gumball machine." Voltron came to life instantaneously, grabbing the gumball machine and wrenching it from its foundations.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance!" Charles Goomy moaned.
"Indeed, my beloved Charles. But mercy is an invitation for death. A lesson, it seems, you never learned, even after my father and brother jumped upon your moment of hesitation and confined you to a life without a body." The Voltron cyborg then broke open the bulletproof glass casing of the gumball machine, letting the brain fall and plop pitifully on to the ground. Charles Goomy's lone eye slowly turned its gaze upon Stacy.
"Golden Pony...use it...destroy her...please..." And with these last words, Charles Goomy's eye clouded over and closed, never to open again.
"Well, now that that unpleasant business is over and done with, how about we finish this off once and for all?" Mahogany asked the remaining three pleasantly. Before a response could be given, Mahogany made the first move. "Voltron and Optimus cyborgs - join together to make your ultimate form!" The two cyborgs gave no hesitation, and jumped into action. They ran to opposite sides of the room, turned around to face one another, and then began to charge. Nanoseconds before they collided, there was a blinding light. After a few moments of nigh unbearable brightness, the light dissipated, in its place the sweetest motorcycle ever. Mahogany walked calmly over to the bike and sat upon it.
"Yes, I have a dope ride, yo," she said, looking directly into Stacy's eyes. "I call it the Murrcycle. Do you like the use I've put your husband and father-in-law to? They're of much more use to everyone now, wouldn't you agree?" Stacy squeezed her hand tightly against Quincy's, looking for some kind of comfort for the horror that lay in front of her. Mahogany then revved the aptly named Murrcycle, preparing for her attack.
"Well, any plans for this one?" Stacy asked in a wavering voice, her hand still clutching Quincy's.
"I'll have to fight it head on," Lizard Man said simply. "By the looks of it I don't stand much of a chance, but I'll have to hold her off while you two can figure something out." Before any objections could be given, Mahogany shot directly at the group in the Murrcycle. It came with such force and speed that Lizard Man was only barely able to catch and hold the front tire, and even then it took all of his might to hold it in place. Quincy O'Snappers held on to Stacy's hand and hurried out of the way of the ensuing battle.
"Ho ho, so the freak thinks he can hold me?" Mahogany asked with a maniacal laugh. "Then take this!" She then pulled a cattle prod out of nowhere while Lizard Man was desperately grasping the Murrcycle and touched it to his face, sending torrent after torrent of electricity to Lizard Man's body. Lizard Man, however, refused to give Mahogany the satisfaction of making him scream. The refusal of one of her sadistic pleasures just made Mahogany more sadistic, thus making her press a button on the Murrcycle that shot flames out of the front right on to Lizard Man's flesh.
"He can't keep this up, Quince..." Stacy cried. "Isn't there something we can do?"
"Oh what a night..." was all Quincy O'Snappers could respond. After muttering this useless statement, something triggered in Quincy's mind, and he kept speaking. "Late December back in '63. What a very special night for me, 'cause I remember what a night..." And then Quincy had a wonderful epiphany, realizing exactly what to do. He ran over to the nearby control panel that Mahogany had used to summon the cyborg duo, looking for what he knew was there last chance. Stacy had followed Quincy over, having no clue what was happening.
"Quince, what-" Before she could finish her sentence, Lizard Man finally let out a howl of pain.
"Yes, that'll do it," Mahogany triumphantly declared. "Now you can die." She then looked over and saw Stacy and Quincy standing at the control panel. "GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU SWINE!" she yelled. It was at this moment that Quincy had finally found what he was looking for. He took the CD he had burned earlier out of his pocket, and hurridly jammed it into the CD player situated on the control panel. September by Earth, Wind & Fire then began to jam throughout the entire room. Almost instantly, the Murrcycle started to shake, and then exploded, with Mahogany barely having enough time to jump off, leaving Lizard Man lying unconscious on the ground.
"No matter, no matter," Mahogany panted in lieu of her near death experience. "Without Lizard Man here, you two are finished. And for touching my control panel, I guess you get to go first, bucko." She then took an extendable whiffle ball bat out of her pocket, and threw it straight at Quincy O'Snappers' face. Before Stacy could think, she jumped in front of the oncoming bat, taking the hit full on in the kisser. Everything became gold, and Stacy was sure she was dead.
"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!" Mahogany cooed at the brain within the gumball machine. The lone eye slowly fluttered open and took a moment to focus on the scene before it. Upon seeing Stacy and realizing what it meant, the brain of Charles Goomy spoke.
"Ah, so you really have brought me the girl," Charles spoke. "Excellent, most excellent. Have the guards brought in to have them killed. Immediately."
"Well, about that," Mahogany said in her most girlish voice. "These three and their recently deceased bear friend tore through our defenses pretty bad. There's no one left, not even Sasquatch."
"And you just now decided to wake me, after all of this had taken place!?" Charles screamed, the rage tingling throughout the cerebral cortex palpable throughout the room. And then comprehension dawned upon Charles Goomy. "I was right about you; you've been planning to take over the Blood-Eyed Cat Syndicate all this time." Lizard Man, Stacy and Quincy O'Snappers all glanced at one another, confused at the events that were transpiring before their eyes.
"Oh, Charles," Mahogany said with an insane grin quickly spreading across her mouth. "Of course I have. And I must say that if you hadn't had such a forgiving nature, I would have been killed years and years ago. Yes, that would have been the case under a competent leader, unlike yourself. Anyway, it's time to show you the real reason I woke you up." At the end of her soliloquy, Mahogany pressed one of the many buttons strewn on a nearby, conveniently placed control panel. Two holes then opened up near the spot where Mahogany and the gumball machine encasing the brain of Charles Goomy stood. Platforms then rose out of these holes, each carrying a figure atop. Stacy and Quincy both let out a gasp at the sight of these two figures, recognition on both their faces - Voltron and Optimus Murray, father and son, were facing them, their eyes strangely devoid of life.
"I was told these two were dead..." Charles Goomy said, his voice actually full of fear now.
"And dead they are," Mahogany responded. "But there's one itsy bitsy detail that was left out of that report. Namely, that their bodies have been turned into cyborgs now. Cyborgs who are programmed to obey only I, naturally." Mahogany turned to the Voltron cyborg. "Dear brother, do me a favor and get rid of this old gumball machine." Voltron came to life instantaneously, grabbing the gumball machine and wrenching it from its foundations.
"I should have killed you when I had the chance!" Charles Goomy moaned.
"Indeed, my beloved Charles. But mercy is an invitation for death. A lesson, it seems, you never learned, even after my father and brother jumped upon your moment of hesitation and confined you to a life without a body." The Voltron cyborg then broke open the bulletproof glass casing of the gumball machine, letting the brain fall and plop pitifully on to the ground. Charles Goomy's lone eye slowly turned its gaze upon Stacy.
"Golden Pony...use it...destroy her...please..." And with these last words, Charles Goomy's eye clouded over and closed, never to open again.
"Well, now that that unpleasant business is over and done with, how about we finish this off once and for all?" Mahogany asked the remaining three pleasantly. Before a response could be given, Mahogany made the first move. "Voltron and Optimus cyborgs - join together to make your ultimate form!" The two cyborgs gave no hesitation, and jumped into action. They ran to opposite sides of the room, turned around to face one another, and then began to charge. Nanoseconds before they collided, there was a blinding light. After a few moments of nigh unbearable brightness, the light dissipated, in its place the sweetest motorcycle ever. Mahogany walked calmly over to the bike and sat upon it.
"Yes, I have a dope ride, yo," she said, looking directly into Stacy's eyes. "I call it the Murrcycle. Do you like the use I've put your husband and father-in-law to? They're of much more use to everyone now, wouldn't you agree?" Stacy squeezed her hand tightly against Quincy's, looking for some kind of comfort for the horror that lay in front of her. Mahogany then revved the aptly named Murrcycle, preparing for her attack.
"Well, any plans for this one?" Stacy asked in a wavering voice, her hand still clutching Quincy's.
"I'll have to fight it head on," Lizard Man said simply. "By the looks of it I don't stand much of a chance, but I'll have to hold her off while you two can figure something out." Before any objections could be given, Mahogany shot directly at the group in the Murrcycle. It came with such force and speed that Lizard Man was only barely able to catch and hold the front tire, and even then it took all of his might to hold it in place. Quincy O'Snappers held on to Stacy's hand and hurried out of the way of the ensuing battle.
"Ho ho, so the freak thinks he can hold me?" Mahogany asked with a maniacal laugh. "Then take this!" She then pulled a cattle prod out of nowhere while Lizard Man was desperately grasping the Murrcycle and touched it to his face, sending torrent after torrent of electricity to Lizard Man's body. Lizard Man, however, refused to give Mahogany the satisfaction of making him scream. The refusal of one of her sadistic pleasures just made Mahogany more sadistic, thus making her press a button on the Murrcycle that shot flames out of the front right on to Lizard Man's flesh.
"He can't keep this up, Quince..." Stacy cried. "Isn't there something we can do?"
"Oh what a night..." was all Quincy O'Snappers could respond. After muttering this useless statement, something triggered in Quincy's mind, and he kept speaking. "Late December back in '63. What a very special night for me, 'cause I remember what a night..." And then Quincy had a wonderful epiphany, realizing exactly what to do. He ran over to the nearby control panel that Mahogany had used to summon the cyborg duo, looking for what he knew was there last chance. Stacy had followed Quincy over, having no clue what was happening.
"Quince, what-" Before she could finish her sentence, Lizard Man finally let out a howl of pain.
"Yes, that'll do it," Mahogany triumphantly declared. "Now you can die." She then looked over and saw Stacy and Quincy standing at the control panel. "GET AWAY FROM THERE YOU SWINE!" she yelled. It was at this moment that Quincy had finally found what he was looking for. He took the CD he had burned earlier out of his pocket, and hurridly jammed it into the CD player situated on the control panel. September by Earth, Wind & Fire then began to jam throughout the entire room. Almost instantly, the Murrcycle started to shake, and then exploded, with Mahogany barely having enough time to jump off, leaving Lizard Man lying unconscious on the ground.
"No matter, no matter," Mahogany panted in lieu of her near death experience. "Without Lizard Man here, you two are finished. And for touching my control panel, I guess you get to go first, bucko." She then took an extendable whiffle ball bat out of her pocket, and threw it straight at Quincy O'Snappers' face. Before Stacy could think, she jumped in front of the oncoming bat, taking the hit full on in the kisser. Everything became gold, and Stacy was sure she was dead.
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